“To have faith requires courage,
the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and
disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of
life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where
distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To
be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of
ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these
values.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
With
my week long vacation for the Thanksgiving holiday coming to a close, I am
thinking about what I am most thankful for this year. This has not
exactly been the best year by most people's standards. It started with
the announcement of divorce on January 1st by my now ex-husband, having
to sell our home we had just remodeled as a consequence of the divorce, moving
into a rental house, becoming a single mother, being assigned a new location at
work where I didn't know anyone, and then being reassigned a second time to a
new location at work 8 months later. To most people, this is not a year
to be thankful for. However, to me, it's been one of the best years of my
life. I didn't always feel that way. It was rough for the first 6
months of this year. I had highs and lows and it changed almost daily for
awhile, but even in the roughest of days, there was always something good that
I could find….a silver lining.
So as I reflect, these are some of the things I
am thankful for. There are far more things that I could write here that I
am thankful for but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at this
moment.
- Selling our large 3500 sq. ft. home to move into a small 1500 sq. ft. home. I LOVE my little rental house. It sits at the end of a cul de sac right next to a beautiful walking trail with gorgeous large trees and a little creek. It is quiet. I have a large backyard (compared to what I was used to) with many mature, large trees, which accommodate a hammock wonderfully at the back end of the yard and I have spent countless hours enjoying that hammock. What I love most about this house is that it is simple. It is nothing fancy. It's not in a fancy neighborhood. It is in an older neighborhood with mostly older people in it. I used to feel stress to keep up with others and their fancy houses and the fine furniture and things they had. I no longer have that stress and it is so freeing. I am so content now and I don't ever want to go back to the pretentious life I led before. Simple is what I seek now….thanks to the divorce, which made me realize what is truly important to me.
- Being a single mom is hard sometimes but I have grown so much closer to my kids this year than I have ever been, especially my daughter. My son and I had been close for a long time already but my daughter and I would fight a lot and just rubbed each other the wrong way most of the time. Through the hardship of this year, we are closer than ever and I really don't even remember the last time we had a fight. And the kids are closer to each other as well. I can't tell you how thankful I am for this change with my kids. It has truly been the best year with my kids that I've ever had…and they are teenagers! Not many people get to brag on having great teen years with their kids, but I get to this year. They are fabulous!
- My job changes were hard at first. It's never easy feeling new and not knowing anyone but in the end, instead of having friends from 2 school campuses, I ended up with friends from 6 campuses. What a blessing to have so many friends. I had so much support through my divorce from friends, I couldn't have asked for more. God knew where I needed to be and I believe he sent just the right people my way to help me along when I needed it. I'm going through another job struggle right now as well, but I've already begun to see the reasons why, I think. Sometimes a struggle opens your eyes to what you need to see in order to know where you need to go.
- And the last thing (for this post) that I am thankful for is perhaps my favorite of all. I am thankful for the ability to love again. And not only to love, but to love deeply and fully. Years ago, there was a bump in my marriage that changed me. I shut down. Where I was once an outgoing, bubbly person, full of love for people…I started avoiding people and conversations. I shut off all my emotions so I wouldn't feel pain and I avoided people for fear that they would ask me how I was and I wouldn't know what to say. I didn't want to tell anyone about my marriage troubles. I kept it all bottled inside. My walls went up and I wouldn't let anyone in. This went on for years. I began to want to take the walls down but by then, I didn't know how. My stone cold existence had become my way of life and I didn't know how to get back to who I used to be or how to feel things again. I started to socialize again with people and have conversations and make some friends. That was a start but I still felt cold and callused. I felt no pain, but I felt nothing else either. I was empty. When the divorce was announced, I was in shock at first and it didn't seem real so I lived in denial for a few days. But when the papers came to my email and I knew it was really happening, the floodgates opened and all the emotions I had bottled up for years came pouring out. Sadness, anger, love….all of these and more and I recognized it right away….I could "feel" again. Something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. And although the predominate feelings at that time were sadness and anger, I was feeling joy that I felt something. I determined right then that I would not ever shut down again and that no matter how hard the divorce became, I would make a point to feel every emotion that came and not back away from it in an effort to "protect" myself. I wanted to feel pain just as much as I wanted to feel love for as long as I felt pain, I knew I could still feel something. And that's just what I did. I cried my eyes out at times and I also loved like never before at times. I was angry often but I never acted out in my anger toward anyone. I wrote letters that were never sent and other methods of releasing my anger that would not hurt another person or cause me to have regrets at a later time. I have no regrets on how I handled my divorce and I am extremely grateful for being able to "feel" things all the way through and never shut down or put walls up. I reached out to people for help and support, which was something I never did in the past and I am so glad I did. In so doing, I am now closer to my parents than ever, have several very close friends and have learned just how valuable people are. Allowing other people to help me and accepting their love and support opened up a whole new world to me. I never realized how freeing it was to let others help and let people in to see my vulnerabilities. Sure, I could've handled it on my own, but it would've taken a lot longer than it did by allowing others in to help. I opened myself up to be loved by my friends and family. Like the quote above states…it takes courage to do that. I am so thankful I did. And not only that, but I also allowed myself to love again. First, I loved my kids more deeply than before, my parents, my friends…and then I also loved a new man….still do. He is not able or does not want to receive my love right now and perhaps never will but I do not regret loving him. It was worth the risk to choose to love and if I had to do it all over again, I would. I love being able to love regardless of whether the love is returned whether it be my children, my parents, my friends or a boyfriend. For that, I am thankful.
“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give
oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved
person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of
little love.”
- Erich Fromm
