Letter to Mom...about writing letters.

Dear Mom,

Hi.  How are you?  Strange way to start a letter, probably, considering the fact that you can’t respond but how else do you start a letter?  Been starting letters that way for so long that I don’t know how else to start.  I miss letters.  Now it’s just texts…short quick thoughts, just touching the surface of what’s going on in life because no one has time anymore for a long letter…myself included.  No depth. No real context…just the thought of the moment….to be taken a million different ways by the receiver since they are only getting a few sentences of the millions of thoughts behind it that are never written or spoken.  The real thoughts are never talked about because that requires too many words to put in a text.  The deeper thoughts stay deep and just dwell there.  As the thoughts pile up, they feel even harder to say or write because it would take even more time get them all out and no one has time for that.  You don’t want to burden other people with your thoughts so you just hold onto them and file them away…tiny snippets of which trickle out in conversations here or there but usually out of context of how the thought originated in the first place.  Written letters sent in the mail used to be nice.  It was a way to get a large chunk of thoughts out and you could take your time composing it in hopes to convey things the way you intended.  Not rushed.  You could take time to choose your words and re-read what you wrote to make sure the written word sounded the same on paper as it did in your mind. 

Sometimes, we still failed at writing things accurately, though, because we can’t always predict how the reader will interpret our words.  But at least we had time to try our best to choose the right ones.  Nowadays, everything is so fast.  There’s no time for pondering.  No time to think of the right words because everyone expects an immediate response and if not given fast enough, the silence itself is taken as text…to be interpreted however the reader chooses like a “fill in the blank” on a mad libs story.  The only problem is, the reader has very limited context to work with so often times the “blank” is filled in with the wrong words.

I haven’t written much of anything in a LONG time and I think the last time I attempted a blog post or anything longer than a typical text was before you were gone.  I tried to write some of my thoughts after you died at one point and I didn’t get very far.  I would start to write but then felt like it was becoming too long…because I had LOTS of thoughts in the immediate weeks and months after your passing.  It felt like more than anyone probably wanted to hear so I would scrap it and move on.  I tried a few different times over the course of the first couple of years and still never posted anything because it just felt too long and still didn’t convey all the things I wanted to convey.

But I sit here today thinking how much I miss you and wish I could talk to you about ALL the things and I decided to attempt to write again.  I know how much you always enjoyed writing yourself and also how much you enjoyed when I used to write.  So…I thought maybe writing to you would be a good place to start.  I know that you understand the struggle of wanting to convey thoughts accurately but also trying to keep things short.  It’s hard to do sometimes and I know you know because I was with you when you attempted to write your very last letter…a thank you letter to a mutual friend of us both.  I still have the letter….half written and stopped mid-sentence. It took several days just to write half the letter because your illness only gave you short snippets of time when your mind and your hands could work together well enough to get the thoughts written on paper and when the fine motor skills to hold a pen didn’t work anymore, you asked if I would help you finish writing it if you told me what to write.  Of course, I said I would.  Unfortunately, there wouldn’t be another day when you could even tell me verbally what to write as the ability to form words faded also.  So the letter remains unfinished to this day.  I’m sorry we didn’t get it finished, mom.  

I’ve read and reread that letter many times over the years and I even tried to contact the intended recipient of the letter multiple times because I thought he should receive it but I never got a response.  Originally, I wanted to give it to him in person so I could explain some of what was written since some of it might not have made sense to him.  I wanted to try to fill in the blanks of where you left off and tell him how much his actions had impacted you and how grateful you were for everything but it didn’t happen.  I also attempted to write my own letter to go along with yours, thinking I would just mail your letter as is with my letter explaining what I was sending, but I struggled to find the right words too.  Just like you felt with your letter, I felt like my letter was too long and didn’t capture what I really wanted to say so I kept ending up with half written letters also and then scrap them and tell myself I will try again another time.  But another time never came.  Every other letter or blog post I have attempted to write has ended in the same way….feeling it’s too long, too boring, no one really cares anyway…so I toss it in the trash again.  I think writing came easier when you were here because you cared and you appreciated the art of writing and even if I felt like my writing was just a bunch of blabber at times, you enjoyed it.  And while I didn’t realize it at the time, you were the reason I enjoyed writing.  Your feedback was the most important to me.  With you gone, I just don’t know how to write anymore or what the point is if you are not there to read it.  But as I was thinking about you in the last few weeks when I REALLY wanted to talk to you, I remembered how our friend, the one you were writing to in your very last letter, had told me how he used to write letters to his deceased father whenever he was struggling to write because it was “just a letter”.  No pressure.  It was just a letter to his dad and that helped to get his thoughts flowing and out of his brain.  So…here I am….just writing you a letter.  Not worrying if it’s perfect or conveying my thoughts exactly as intended, cuz it’s just a letter to my mom and you don’t care if it’s perfect.  You’re just happy to hear from me.  

I hope to write more letters to you cuz I have so many things I want to tell you but we’ll see.  I don’t yet know what to do with this one….after all, it’s just a letter about writing a letter.  I haven’t even told you anything yet.  It feels impossible to ever tell you all the things I want to tell you.  My mind is so cluttered right now from keeping it all inside for the last 8 years since you've been gone.  But maybe this is a start.  Maybe.

Til next time.  I love you, mom.  

Love, 

Denise

 

P.S.  I never knew how hard it would be to do life without you but I’m doing my best to figure it out one day at a time.

Right Where I'm Suppose To Be

This post is probably more for myself than anyone reading it but I wanted to write out my thoughts and document where I am at this moment in my life and so I decided to do it via this blog.  So be prepared for a lengthy, boring post if you choose to read this.

There is this author you may have heard me mention before...you know, Tom Ryan, who wrote Following Atticus...yeah, I might have mentioned the book a time or two.  Haha.  Anyway, on Tom's Facebook page for his book, he would often use the phrase that "we are right where we are suppose to be".  He believed everything happened for a reason and it was all part of life's plan.  Well, I agree with that philosophy and have adopted it over the last year and a half or so.  Throughout many of my troubled times, I have reminded myself that I am right where I'm suppose to be and that knowledge would help me get through some of those difficult days.  But although I would tell myself that, there were many times where I didn't feel I was in the right place and I would question as to how to know if I'm doing the right thing or going the right way in life.  Now the point Tom was making was not that you are always doing the right thing, but that even when you do the wrong thing or bad things are happening in your life, there are lessons to be learned from it and therefore it has value and is right where you need to be for that moment to learn that lesson....or at least that's how I took it and have adapted it in my own life.  But, recently, I have experienced the other side of this phrase.  Instead of it being a way to deal with the harder times, I have been saying this phrase in my mind in relation to where I am right now, which is not hard times but great times.  It is a time in my life where I feel I truly am right where I am suppose to be and feel more peace and contentment than I have ever felt in my life.  Even in times past where I was really very happy....I didn't necessarily feel at peace that I was where I should be.  I had questions in my mind and wasn't sure and wasn't at ease, but emotionally, I was very happy.  But this is different.  This is true contentment and a peace I have not experienced before.  This is a time where I really know that I am right where I am suppose to be, but not necessarily to learn a lesson (although I'm always learning lessons) but I'm here because of the lessons I've learned already and because this is right where God wants me to be.  How do I know that?  I just know.  It's not something I can really describe other than to say that the peace that comes with being in the right place in your life is the confirmation of it.  

One of the things that has put me right where I am suppose to be was breaking off my relationship with Dave.  In my Bible study group this past Monday, our lesson was about hindrances in our life and how sometimes the thing that is hindering us from being where we should be is not necessarily a bad thing but it is nevertheless in the way.  There was a line in our workbook that really stood out to me.  It said, "Let's also be sensitive to a churning in our souls or a growing unrest or discomfort toward that particular thing.  We'll know.  And when we do, let's ask God for the strength to pitch it.  One way we will know it was His will is that, even while we miss it, we'll feel relieved."  This is exactly what happened with Dave.  I had the churning and unrest.  I knew I had to break it off but it was hard.  And I did pray for strength.  I cried and prayed for an hour before I called him up and I struggled to speak when he answered the phone.  I was choking back more tears.  I didn't want to do it.  He was a great, great man who loved me and treated me absolutely perfect.  But even still, I knew it wasn't right.  I didn't feel the same about him that he felt about me although he made me very happy in the time that I was with him.  I knew I had to break it off.  And I also knew it was time to be alone, not time to find someone new.  I cried over him for a few days and I still think of him often but I also feel complete peace and contentment since making that decision.  I feel the relief.  It was the right thing to do even though it was very hard and even though he was so great.  And since he and I are still friends and still email and text every 5 days or so, I am reminded regularly of how sweet he is and it makes me miss him but I am unwavering in my decision because I still have that peace and contentment of being where I am and it being right.  

So if I am right where I am suppose to be, where am I?  Well, here are some things that come to mind when I reflect on where I am.  I am in a place where I feel confident.  Confident to eat alone in restaurants where before I felt awkward and embarrassed.  Confident to take vacations alone and walk through cities at night alone without fear.  Comfortable being home alone at night in total silence without the need for the TV on for background noise as was the case when I was married.  Unafraid to attend public events alone, like festivals and concerts.  I've always been an independent person but many of these activities were not things I was comfortable with doing completely alone.  However, now I fully enjoy it and even prefer it many times.  I love being with people too as I am very social but I am really enjoying my alone time as well.  I have plans for some camping road trips that I will do by myself to cheaply explore places that I haven't seen across the country and I am super excited about it.

Another area I have gained confidence is in my appearance.  I used to have many hangups about my appearance and it really held me back in a lot of ways.  I have learned to embrace my body as it is and be proud of it in spite of it's flaws.  This is hard for women as a whole and has always been a struggle for me as well but the freedom I have by releasing those hangups is so satisfying.  The hangups like to try to creep back in sometimes but while I may have a weak moment here or there, I really don't fret about anything anymore and am not concerned about how others view me.  If only I could've learned this one years ago...

And then there are many internal changes that no one can really see except me.  My mindsets are different than they use to be.  I look at people different.  I have more compassion and understanding for people than I used to.  I think twice about the angry person who lashed out at me and wonder why they are so angry and what's going on in their life that caused them to lash out like that.  This isn't always my very first thought, mind you, but it used to never be a thought at all and now it is more often than not.  I cry more.  That may sound like a negative but after years of holding back my emotions and keeping everything inside, I love that I am not afraid to cry now.  Feeling emotions is something that I had suppressed many years ago to protect myself from hurt but through my divorce, there was no stopping them and once I felt them again, even though it was an awful pain, it was so nice to feel something again and I promised myself I would never suppress them again so I made a point to not build walls, not hide the pain, and just let it happen.  Now I still had to get through my work days and parent my children so there were times I did choke back the tears in order to do what I had to do but I made sure to allow the time later to let it flow and allow the pain to be there.  And now I can also release the joy.  I can scream out loud for the band competitions to cheer them on or laugh til my chest hurts with my friends.  I can also love, which I experienced shortly after my divorce and it was absolutely wonderful to feel.  I've been a bit more reserved since then to love again after that relationship failed but I know that I can and that I will when I find the right one to give it to.  I probably jumped the gun a bit too soon when I fell in love before since I was in a very vulnerable state of my life at that time.  I really wasn't ready then but I'm still glad that I did because it's a feeling I'll never forget and one that I strive to have again with the right person.  

There are really so many more things I could list.  I feel like I grow every single day and am constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me.  I sort of feel like I have been reborn.  I am seeing things like it's the first time I've seen them even though it's all been here.  I just view it all differently now.  Perspective....such a change in perspective.  And it's exciting.  I can't wait to see what's next.  I look forward to what's around the corner even when I have no idea what it might be.  It's like a gift...all wrapped in pretty paper.  You don't know what's inside.  It might be a diamond or it might be an empty box, but you are still excited to open it and see.  That's how I feel with life these days.  I don't know what's inside the gift but I'm excited to find out.  And even when we are disappointed with what's inside...don't we still get excited with the next gift?  So that's how it goes.  I might unwrap something unpleasant but there's always the next gift to unwrap and so there's always that hopeful excitement of what might be next.

It was not an easy road to get here.  It required going through some very painful times and not just one painful time, but several.  But everything, I mean everything in my life from a child until now has brought me to this very place and I am thankful for each and every thing that has happened in my life, both good and bad, because without it, I would not be who I am and where I am.  It all played a part to get me right here.  Right where I'm suppose to be.

FEE FI FO FUM!

The air was hot and muggy.  There was a bit of a breeze but it was a hot breeze, not a cool one.  I began walking on the trail through the woods.  I took notice of just how much poison ivy covers the ground on each side of the paved path where I walk.  Where does poison ivy come from anyway?  How did so much of it get in this patch of woods?  I made a mental note to never veer off the path.  Thoughts of the nasty poison ivy rash I had about a month ago flooded my mind and made me start to itch.  I still have a scar on my leg where it had gotten me the worst.  I hope that goes away eventually.

I came to the clearing where the trees line one side of the path and a grassy field is on the other side.  This is the area where the kids practice soccer sometimes.  No one was there today.  My half marathon app was nearly done with the 5 minute warm up phase when I reached this portion of the trail.  It's almost time to start running.  I was looking forward to this run.  I was pumped up from my last run two days ago when I ran 7.5 miles...the farthest I've ever run.  And that run felt somewhat easy.  So today's run should be a piece of cake.  It would only be around 4 miles.

Ding!  The app sound chimed and the lady spoke and said "start running".  Here we go!  I began to run.  First step...FEE.  Second step...FI.  Third step...FO.  Fourth step...FUM!  What?  Each of my legs must've weighed 500 pounds.  Every step was labored.  It felt clumsy and heavy.  My feet pounded the ground like a sledge hammer.  My whole body seemed to feel the blow.  I kept going, hoping after a minute or two, my body would get back in sync and it would be the nice, light, airy run like I had on Saturday.  Wrong.  It would not be that today.  Today it was the giant's run.

FEE FI FO FUM.  This is the fairy tale run I had today.  It never got better.  Every step crashed down hard like the step before it.  My calves quaked from the start of the run to the end.  It was 48 minutes of pure agony.  On top of that, it was hot.  88 degrees.  Sun blasting my face most of the way.  No cool breezes to make it better.  No clouds to hide the sun.  Just hot, miserable air and a body that felt 10 times heavier than usual for some reason.

But, I ran today.  I finished.  I never quit.  And....I saw two bunnies.  :)

Craziest part?  I'm looking forward to my next run.

10 Bunnies...that's why.

I ran today.  My 13.1 app told me to run today so I did.  It told me when to run and when to walk and I very obediently listened.  I like to follow pre-made programs.  I don't like to make up my own.  It's just what works for me.  I need that regimen to follow and that goal of completing a program in order to keep doing it day after day.  Most days, I just run because I have to...program said so.  Today was no different but as I ran, I started doing some thinking about the running itself.  Most days I am thinking of other things going on in my life and I'm not thinking about the running, except when I'm really short of breath and hot and wanting water....then I'm thinking of running.  Specifically, how much I hate running at that moment and how I shouldn't have started this program and what was I thinking when I decided to train for a half marathon.  But it was different thoughts today.  Let me explain.

Today, as I ran, I was thinking how easy the run felt.  Easy??  Really??  How did I ever get to a place where I would use the word "run" and "easy" in the same sentence?  Today, the program was 52 minutes long.  52 minutes!!  And it was easy?  Yes.  It actually was.  And so I began to ponder how I got here.  How did this all start?  Why do I run?

It started a couple of years ago.  There were some key people in my life who inspired me to start running.  First was my mom.  She had started running at her work place with some run clubs she joined there and was encouraging others to get active and start running too.  I wasn't interested at first but then others came along to add to the fire of getting me going.  I had a couple of coworkers, Pam and Sabrina, that I would see jogging through my neighborhood all the time as I passed with my car...sitting on my butt.  I would wave and smile as I passed and then feel guilty that they were out exercising and I was doing nothing day after day....and I saw them ALL the time, constantly reminding me of what I wasn't doing.  Then there was Kendra, another coworker, who was an avid runner.  She was always running races and posting on Facebook about them.  She had moved away from Texas but I still followed her blog and Facebook page and would read about race after race that she competed in.  And then even her little girl started running races at around 3 years old, I think.  She really seemed to love it and I wished I could do something like that but I hated to run.  I was awful at it.  I had no stamina at all for it.  So then, last but not least, there was yet another co worker, Tiffany, who started running.  She was not a regular runner and it was not easy for her but she started using a program called Couch to 5k and I heard her telling people about it.  She got several other co workers to use the program too.  That was the first time I had ever heard of it.  So, after seeing her do it, I decided I would give it a try.  After all, it's designed for people like me who have never run so it should be doable, right?

Well, I told my mom about the app for the program to do it on my iPhone and we decided to do the app together to help keep each other accountable.  It wasn't going to be too hard for her since she had already been running at work so she was doing it more for my benefit to keep me going.

I will never forget the first day of the C25K program when I started it a couple years ago.  It was around this same time of year and it was HOT outside.  I don't like gyms so I preferred to run outside.  The first day of the program only required 60 seconds of running and then 90 seconds of walking...alternating that for a total of 20 minutes.  Easy, right?  NOT!  I literally thought I might die.  The first 10 minutes of alternating running and walking was brutal but the last 10 minutes was just pure death.  My face felt like it was on fire and it looked that way too.  Soooo red!  I couldn't breathe. I wondered why the air had no more oxygen because I wasn't getting any at all.  I remember thinking I should've put aspirin in my pocket in case I started to have a heart attack.  I was serious.  I thought I should've told my family where I planned to run in case I didn't return so they'd know where to find my body.  It was AWFUL.  But I am a stickler when I set my mind to do something.  I will not quit.  So although I probably should've scaled back the running even lighter than the app said, I refused.  I completed day one...painfully and without breath, but I did it.  And then I completed day two and day three and week 2, week 3, etc. until I reached the end of the 8 weeks and ran my first 5k race.  I never thought I would make it, but I did and I was proud.

So fast forward to now....a couple years later.  I ran a few more 5k races but didn't keep up with the running quite as regular as I had hoped.  I found it hard to stay motivated without a program to follow.  I tried doing the same program again but it wasn't challenging anymore so it lost it's oomph.  So recently I decided to step it up and start training for a half marathon.  This was a daunting goal.  The app required 6 days of training instead of 3 like the C25K app was.  That was a lot more commitment.  I wasn't sure I could do it.  I have a really busy schedule with two teenage kids.  Where would I find the time?  And each day is nearly an hour long at a minimum instead of just 30 minutes like before.  I almost talked myself out of it.  It was too much.  But I didn't.  I went for it.  I'm in the middle of week 7 now.  It's a 14 week program so I am half way!  I still can't imagine actually running a half marathon but I'm getting there.

So back to my thoughts I had today.  Today's run was easy.  I didn't feel winded.  I had good breath.  I was in such deep thought that when the program told me to walk, I walked but I didn't remember hearing it tell me to.  And then I ran when it was time but again didn't notice when it told me to.  It was just automatic.  I heard the cue and obeyed, but was on auto pilot and not really thinking about it.  My mind was elsewhere.  Where was it?  It was pondering why I enjoy running now and why I like to do it outside as opposed to a treadmill in the gym.

I enjoy running because of the sense of accomplishment it gives me when I am done with a run.  I like setting a goal and reaching it.  I like to feel the pain in my legs because I know I did something out of my comfort zone.  I stretched myself further.  I worked muscles that aren't used to being worked.  It feels good.  Running is the only exercise I've ever done that has made me notice a difference in my fitness level very quickly.  The stamina changes are drastic changes for me and I can see muscle toning happening too.  Running seems to be a full body workout for me unlike any other.

The reason I like to run outside?  Well, right off the bat, I can give you 10 reasons.  Bunnies.  Yes, bunnies.  10 bunnies.  That's how many I saw today during my run.  I can't see 10 bunnies from a treadmill now, can I?  I've been running at dusk lately and so the bunnies are everywhere.  I counted them today and I saw 10.  Who doesn't love a bunny?  So, that's my first 10 reasons for running outside....to see 10 bunnies.  What else?  Well, I like the change of scenery as I run.  I like destinations instead of running in place.  It's more motivating to me to be able to know that when I get to the path by the woods...I'm almost done.  Or the fire station is about half way.  Those landmarks keep me going.  On a treadmill, all I have is a clock.  Boring.  I also like that the terrain changes when running outside.  I learn to run on hills and pavement and gravel and dirt.  It's varied and I like that.  Keeps it interesting.  I like passing other runners and cyclists.  It's like a private club.  There is an instant connection to that person I'm passing because we know each other's pain and it feels good to be in that club and not in the car passing by watching them run.  I guess you could say the gym has the club thing but for some reason I don't feel the camaraderie there like I do with the strangers I pass on the street.

It seems that wherever I run, if it's a regular place I run, I find a portion of the route that becomes my favorite part of the run.  In my old neighborhood, it used to be a patch of trees that had a dirt path that ran through it and I always felt like I was getting to home base when I would reach that part of my run.  For some reason, I could breathe again and it was the place I could get refreshed to complete my run.  It was likely because it was a shady spot and it was nice break from the pavement for my joints. In my current neighborhood, my favorite spot is a stretch of paved path that borders the woods but is open on the other side to a large field where many soccer teams with young kids come to practice.  This part of the path is actually quite sunny since it's open on the one side but there is a cool breeze that comes from the tree side of the path and it feels heavenly after a long run.  This area is where I start running and then I come back this way at the end.  It is on the way back that I really like this part of the path.  It feels like an air conditioner is blowing on me the whole time I run this stretch.  It's a very noticeable temperature change in that spot and it comes at just the right time when I am needing that extra boost to finish.  Right after that section, I enter those woods and the path winds through the trees and it is very pretty through there.  There are pretty bridges to cross on the trail and I often see owls in the trees.  These are the reasons I like to run outside.  Breezes, scenery, wildlife, solitude, varied terrain...these all stimulate and challenge me in a way that the treadmill just can't do.  I'll even run in the rain as long as there is no lightning.  I love to be outside.

So...that's what I was thinking while I ran today.

Spring Break 2014 - Boston, MA

Boston, MA

This is part one of the super fabulous spring break trip that the kids and I took to Boston, MA; Jackson, NH and New York, NY over spring break.  Back in December I decided that although my finances were tight, I wanted to take a great vacation with my kids one last time before my son goes off to college in the fall.  I had a lump sum of money from my divorce that will be gone quickly but decided this time spent with my kids was worth more to me than having money in savings.  So, since my son was the one who would be leaving the nest soon, I let him decide what kind of vacation he wanted...snow or sun.  He decided he wanted snow...skiing.  We had never taken a snow vacation before and none of us had ever skied a single time.  So this was going to be an adventure for us all

I chose the exact location of this ski vacation and there were several things that went into my decision.  I chose NH because I had just gone there in October and loved it and knew my way around there a bit.  I knew it would be a safe place to go for a single mom and her kids and it was a bit cheaper than most of the other popular ski destinations.  I also chose it because I have friends and relatives in that area and if time allowed, it would be nice to see them.  And the final reason I chose it was because of the proximity of the city.  I figured if we totally hated skiing or just got tired of it, we would still have plenty of entertainment in the city.  Originally it was only going to be Boston and New Hampshire but a week before the trip, we decided we would try to squeeze in NYC too.

So on Saturday, March 8th, we began our trip by waking up at 4am to catch a 6:40am flight.  Austin got us fully awake by blasting the "chicken yodeling" song through the house around 4:30am.  If that doesn't wake you up, nothing will.  Here's a link to it in case you haven't yet been exposed to it's greatness.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO7MWuJ7zLA  

We arrived at Boston Logan Airport at 11:00am and proceeded to the rental car area to pick up our super hot sports car rental.  What?  You don't think minivans are sporty or hot?  Psh...what do you know.  Space and lots of cupholders are super hot in my book.

Our totally hip rental car for the week.  You know you're jealous.

After getting our car, we parked on the north side of Boston and then started exploring the city.  We were pretty hungry upon arrival so we started off with lunch at Hard Rock Cafe.  After a yummy lunch there, we walked around the Feneuil Hall area, browsing the shops and just looking around.  We walked over to the harbor and enjoyed the view there for a bit.  A line of sailboats went by all at once so I guess there must've been some event going on for them but I don't know what it was.  As we walked back to the market area, we noticed a sign for the Body Worlds exhibit.  Lexi was interested in seeing that and Austin had never seen it before either so we decided to view that.  So in case you are not familiar, that is the exhibit where they have real deceased people on display with their skin removed so you can see all their muscles and things and get a better understanding of how the body is designed.  It is done in a tasteful, artistic way but it is still disturbing to see for some people.  I had already seen it in Dallas before so I knew what to expect.  The kids were neither grossed out nor enthralled with it but the curiosity was satisfied.

Boston Harbor

Feneuil Hall

The highlight for me on this first day of our vacation was the concert we went to that night at TD Garden.  It was an Avett Brothers concert and it was so much fun.  I was smiling the whole time.  The opening band was very good too.  It was a band called Old Crow Medicine Show.  They are a bluegrass music band.  They were very entertaining with their banjos and fiddles. The kids even got a kick out of listening to them.   My favorite song by the Avett Brothers is Live and Die.  That song holds special meaning to me so when I heard it played at the end during the encore, it was beyond awesome.   It's a song that had once brought me great joy but recently it had brought me some sadness due to a disconnect with the dear friend who had introduced me to the song.  I learned once that in order to move past painful memories, you have to create new memories to replace the old.  That is exactly what I did by attending this concert.  Now when I hear that song, I have an entirely new memory to associate with it.....the memory of the concert and seeing it performed live and being there with my children and the smile that was plastered on my face.  The old memory is still there.  It's not gone forever and I smile at the old memory too, for that memory was from a time when I was happier than I've ever been in my life.  It was very special for me to see and hear that song in concert.  Wonderful, wonderful memories both old and new.  Here is a link to a video of the very performance that I saw of this song.  Not the best sound quality but captures the memory of the concert well. This is not my own recording.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyKoQQJJspQ

The Avett Brothers Concert @ TD Garden, Boston, MA

Prior to the concert, we met up with my friend, Rick very briefly.  He came to our hotel and brought us some Regina's pizza to share.  Alexia didn't join us for this as she was too tired and was napping.  We just visited in the lobby and made plans to visit more the next day.  I had not seen Rick in about 12-13 years.  Austin only vaguely remembered meeting him before since he was just 5 years old or so.  Rick was my dad's best friend when I was very young and when he and his wife got divorced, he came to Indiana and lived with us for about a year.  He became like a second dad to me during that time and we have always been very close.

Alexia at Fish Pier, Boston, MA (freezing cold wind that day)

Rick and I at Fish Pier, Boston, MA

So the next day, we met up with Rick again and had lunch at the No Name seafood restaurant on Fish Pier.  Loved the restaurant and it was so great to spend some more time with Rick.  After eating, we went on a little nostalgia tour to my grandmother's old house and to the marina that my grandfather used to like to go to and where I remember going every time we visited my grandparents.  

The old house was pretty run down...sad to see since it had always been kept so nice when they lived there.  Still neat to see it and relive the memories in my mind of being there as a kid.

My Grandparent's old house in Quincy, MA.

Side view of Grandma's house.

Backyard of Grandma's house.

 The marina has changed a lot.  So many new buildings all built around the place....much fancier than it used to be but the little boardwalk area looked pretty much the same as I remembered it.  Funny thing was, there was a parking spot with my name on it.  I guess they were expecting me.  Ha.

Marian Bay clock tower - Austin and Alexia

   

Marina Bay

My very own parking spot at Marina Bay.  Haha.

And the last thing we did in Boston before moving on to the next leg of our trip (New Hampshire) was drive around Harvard to check out the campus.  Austin wanted to see it since it was nearby and we were going to walk around there but it was very cold that day and we had already done a lot of walking the day before so everyone decided driving through was good enough.  But....Austin livened things up a bit by rolling down the windows and playing the chicken yodeling song a little bit loudly so a little bit of redneck influence could enter the prestigious grounds of Harvard.  We had a great time laughing about it and laughing at Austin...who would turn it down and roll the windows up every time we came to a stop because he wasn't quite bold enough to continue when we were stopped.  Fun times!

One of the buildings at Harvard University.

We would be back to Boston at the end of our week to catch our flight again but for now, our stay in Boston was over and we headed to New Hampshire for the next few days.  That story will be covered in the next blog post, hopefully soon.

Thankful for Love

“To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.” 


― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving



With my week long vacation for the Thanksgiving holiday coming to a close, I am thinking about what I am most thankful for this year.  This has not exactly been the best year by most people's standards.  It started with the announcement of divorce on January  1st by my now ex-husband, having to sell our home we had just remodeled as a consequence of the divorce, moving into a rental house, becoming a single mother, being assigned a new location at work where I didn't know anyone, and then being reassigned a second time to a new location at work 8 months later.  To most people, this is not a year to be thankful for.  However, to me, it's been one of the best years of my life.  I didn't always feel that way.  It was rough for the first 6 months of this year. I had highs and lows and it changed almost daily for awhile, but even in the roughest of days, there was always something good that I could find….a silver lining.


So as I reflect, these are some of the things I am thankful for.  There are far more things that I could write here that I am thankful for but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at this moment.  

-  Selling our large 3500 sq. ft. home to move into a small 1500 sq. ft. home.  I LOVE my little rental house.  It sits at the end of a cul de sac right next to a beautiful walking trail with gorgeous large trees and a little creek.  It is quiet.  I have a large backyard (compared to what I was used to) with many mature, large trees, which accommodate a hammock wonderfully at the back end of the yard and I have spent countless hours enjoying that hammock.  What I love most about this house is that it is simple.  It is nothing fancy.  It's not in a fancy neighborhood.  It is in an older neighborhood with mostly older people in it.  I used to feel stress to keep up with others and their fancy houses and the fine furniture and things they had.  I no longer have that stress and it is so freeing.  I am so content now and I don't ever want to go back to the pretentious life I led before.  Simple is what I seek now….thanks to the divorce, which made me realize what is truly important to me.

- Being a single mom is hard sometimes but I have grown so much closer to my kids this year than I have ever been, especially my daughter.  My son and I had been close for a long time already but my daughter and I would fight a lot and just rubbed each other the wrong way most of the time.  Through the hardship of this year, we are closer than ever and I really don't even remember the last time we had a fight.  And the kids are closer to each other as well.  I can't tell you how thankful I am for this change with my kids.   It has truly been the best year with my kids that I've ever had…and they are teenagers!  Not many people get to brag on having great teen years with their kids, but I get to this year.  They are fabulous!

- My job changes were hard at first. It's never easy feeling new and not knowing anyone but in the end, instead of having friends from 2 school campuses, I ended up with friends from 6 campuses.  What a blessing to have so many friends.  I had so much support through my divorce from friends, I couldn't have asked for more.  God knew where I needed to be and I believe he sent just the right people my way to help me along when I needed it.  I'm going through another job struggle right now as well, but I've already begun to see the reasons why, I think.  Sometimes a struggle opens your eyes to what you need to see in order to know where you need to go.

-  And the last thing (for this post) that I am thankful for is perhaps my favorite of all.  I am thankful for the ability to love again.  And not only to love, but to love deeply and fully.  Years ago, there was a bump in my marriage that changed me.  I shut down.  Where I was once an outgoing, bubbly person, full of love for people…I started avoiding people and conversations.  I shut off all my emotions so I wouldn't feel pain and I avoided people for fear that they would ask me how I was and I wouldn't know what to say.  I didn't want to tell anyone about my marriage troubles.  I kept it all bottled inside.  My walls went up and I wouldn't let anyone in.  This went on for years.  I began to want to take the walls down but by then, I didn't know how.  My stone cold existence had become my way of life and I didn't know how to get back to who I used to be or how to feel things again.  I started to socialize again with people and have conversations and make some friends.  That was a start but I still felt cold and callused.  I felt no pain, but I felt nothing else either.  I was empty.  When the divorce was announced, I was in shock at first and it didn't seem real so I lived in denial for a few days.  But when the papers came to my email and I knew it was really happening, the floodgates opened and all the emotions I had bottled up for years came pouring out.  Sadness, anger, love….all of these and more and I recognized it right away….I could "feel" again.  Something I hadn't been able to do in a long time.  And although the predominate feelings at that time were sadness and anger, I was feeling joy that I felt something.  I determined right then that I would not ever shut down again and that no matter how hard the divorce became, I would make a point to feel every emotion that came and not back away from it in an effort to "protect" myself.  I wanted to feel pain just as much as I wanted to feel love for as long as I felt pain, I knew I could still feel something.  And that's just what I did.  I cried my eyes out at times and I also loved like never before at times.  I was angry often but I never acted out in my anger toward anyone.  I wrote letters that were never sent and other methods of releasing my anger that would not hurt another person or cause me to have regrets at a later time.  I have no regrets on how I handled my divorce and I am extremely grateful for being able to "feel" things all the way through and never shut down or put walls up.  I reached out to people for help and support, which was something I never did in the past and I am so glad I did.  In so doing, I am now closer to my parents than ever, have several very close friends and have learned just how valuable people are.  Allowing other people to help me and accepting their love and support opened up a whole new world to me.  I never realized how freeing it was to let others help and let people in to see my vulnerabilities.  Sure, I could've handled it on my own, but it would've taken a lot longer than it did by allowing others in to help.  I opened myself up to be loved by my friends and family.  Like the quote above states…it takes courage to do that.  I am so thankful I did.  And not only that, but I also allowed myself to love again.  First, I loved my kids more deeply than before, my parents, my friends…and then I also loved a new man….still do.  He is not able or does not want to receive my love right now and perhaps never will but I do not regret loving him.  It was worth the risk to choose to love and if I had to do it all over again, I would.  I love being able to love regardless of whether the love is returned whether it be my children, my parents, my friends or a boyfriend.  For that, I am thankful.

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”  

- Erich Fromm

Friedrich Wilderness Area Hike, San Antonio, TX

Scenic View

A couple of weeks ago I went down to San Antonio, TX for my son, Austin's, high school marching band competition that was being held at the Alamadome.  Although that was my main reason for being there, I decided to add a hike to the trip before coming home on Sunday.

It was a beautiful day that day around 78 degrees and I found a really great place to do a little hike.  It was a place called Friedrich Wilderness Area and it was actually right off the highway.  It was described as being a natural area with rugged trails and nice views.  After hiking in the White Mountains, I kind of laughed at anything in Texas being called a hike but this was the best I could do so I was going to make the most of it.  I wore my hiking pants and my Merrell hiking shoes and I packed a backpack and wore that too even though I didn't think I would really need anything in it.  But it was good practice to carry it anyway to keep in shape for the day when I would return to the White Mountains or some other mountain that I might want to climb.

The paved trail.

Upon arriving at the trailhead, the first thing I noticed was the trail was a blacktop paved trail.  What?!  I thought this was a wilderness area with rugged trails?  I was immediately disappointed but thought, "oh well, I'm here. I might as well take a walk."  So I continued on this paved trail with all my hiking gear on, thinking I should have worn flip flops instead.

I pressed on...wiping my brow of the sweat from the ruggedness of this hike.  It was almost too much to bear but I endured.  Thankfully I had my backpack with a couple of water bottles in it to help me and there was even a bench so I could sit and rest and take a drink.  What a life saver! (insert sarcasm)

As I laughed in my head and made mockery of this paved trail, I soon discovered that the paved part did not continue for very long at all and it became a dirt path with a bit of gravel mixed in.  Still, it was a smooth trail and I was only slightly more happy with it but I began to look around and found the trees to be interesting and decided perhaps this would be a nice little walk in the woods.  I still didn't know what they meant by "rugged" when they described these trails online but I was warming up to the place as at least being kind of pretty.  I had to realize that I wasn't going to find the beauty of the White Mountains in Texas so I needed to appreciate the beauty that was there for what it was.

Pretty canopy of trees

Neat looking trees

I walked some more and then lo and behold.....there it was!  Rugged trails!  I was delighted.  And not just a little rugged.  Lots of rocks and roots and steep inclines....just like the White Mountains. I....LOVED....IT!  I leapt and climbed up one rock and then another, grabbed trees to pull myself up in other places.  Now this was more like it!  The only thing missing was a little dog named Atticus to lead the way and his best friend, Tom.  Otherwise, for that moment, it was just like my hike on South Moat Mountain.  Surprisingly, the steep incline lasted long enough for me to start getting short of breath.  I was really exerting myself.  This was a real hike!  It felt great.

Part of the rugged trail - rocks!

Ledge rocks!

At one point I came to a larger boulder that had stopped another couple in their tracks.  They were staring at it trying to decide how to climb up to continue the trail.  I went around them and found the logical place to step up and I heard the man tell his wife..."See...she did it.  Do it just like that." and then they both laughed, as did I, but only in my head.  I was having so much fun.

Larger rocks and loose rocks

Rocks and roots!

There were several scenic overlook areas along the way.  I was surprised how pretty Texas could be especially in this area that was just outside the city.  What a lovely place I had discovered.  The steep incline didn't last too terribly long...the hills in Texas only go so high, but after having my rugged trail to mimic the hike I longed for, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  I completed the trail I set out to do and decided I wasn't done "playing" yet so I took a couple more trails before I was done.

Scenic overlook

Windmill found on one trail

Heart shaped cactus

I wanted to really notice everything around me and take it all in and appreciate it so I slowed down and just started looking around.  I took pictures of cacti, some in the shape of hearts, which made me think of someone I love.  Along the way, I started chasing butterflies.  I tried to take photos of a couple of them but could never get close enough before they would move again.  Then I noticed my own shadow on a stretch of the trail where the sun was shining through from behind me.  There was no one around at that point, so I got silly and put my arms in the air and played with my shadow and took pictures of that too.

Playing with my shadow

Alas, it was time to end the fun and head back to the car and ultimately head home.  I savored the last remaining steps on the dirt trail and smiled when I reached the paved trail portion once again.  Oh how it had fooled me in the beginning.  I had laughed and mocked this trail,  but the trail knew....she knew I would return at the end with that smile on my face and that feeling of fulfillment in my heart.

My old friend

A nice hike indeed.

A little remembrance of Atticus to take with me