This post is probably more for myself than anyone reading it but I wanted to write out my thoughts and document where I am at this moment in my life and so I decided to do it via this blog. So be prepared for a lengthy, boring post if you choose to read this.
There is this author you may have heard me mention before...you know, Tom Ryan, who wrote Following Atticus...yeah, I might have mentioned the book a time or two. Haha. Anyway, on Tom's Facebook page for his book, he would often use the phrase that "we are right where we are suppose to be". He believed everything happened for a reason and it was all part of life's plan. Well, I agree with that philosophy and have adopted it over the last year and a half or so. Throughout many of my troubled times, I have reminded myself that I am right where I'm suppose to be and that knowledge would help me get through some of those difficult days. But although I would tell myself that, there were many times where I didn't feel I was in the right place and I would question as to how to know if I'm doing the right thing or going the right way in life. Now the point Tom was making was not that you are always doing the right thing, but that even when you do the wrong thing or bad things are happening in your life, there are lessons to be learned from it and therefore it has value and is right where you need to be for that moment to learn that lesson....or at least that's how I took it and have adapted it in my own life. But, recently, I have experienced the other side of this phrase. Instead of it being a way to deal with the harder times, I have been saying this phrase in my mind in relation to where I am right now, which is not hard times but great times. It is a time in my life where I feel I truly am right where I am suppose to be and feel more peace and contentment than I have ever felt in my life. Even in times past where I was really very happy....I didn't necessarily feel at peace that I was where I should be. I had questions in my mind and wasn't sure and wasn't at ease, but emotionally, I was very happy. But this is different. This is true contentment and a peace I have not experienced before. This is a time where I really know that I am right where I am suppose to be, but not necessarily to learn a lesson (although I'm always learning lessons) but I'm here because of the lessons I've learned already and because this is right where God wants me to be. How do I know that? I just know. It's not something I can really describe other than to say that the peace that comes with being in the right place in your life is the confirmation of it.
One of the things that has put me right where I am suppose to be was breaking off my relationship with Dave. In my Bible study group this past Monday, our lesson was about hindrances in our life and how sometimes the thing that is hindering us from being where we should be is not necessarily a bad thing but it is nevertheless in the way. There was a line in our workbook that really stood out to me. It said, "Let's also be sensitive to a churning in our souls or a growing unrest or discomfort toward that particular thing. We'll know. And when we do, let's ask God for the strength to pitch it. One way we will know it was His will is that, even while we miss it, we'll feel relieved." This is exactly what happened with Dave. I had the churning and unrest. I knew I had to break it off but it was hard. And I did pray for strength. I cried and prayed for an hour before I called him up and I struggled to speak when he answered the phone. I was choking back more tears. I didn't want to do it. He was a great, great man who loved me and treated me absolutely perfect. But even still, I knew it wasn't right. I didn't feel the same about him that he felt about me although he made me very happy in the time that I was with him. I knew I had to break it off. And I also knew it was time to be alone, not time to find someone new. I cried over him for a few days and I still think of him often but I also feel complete peace and contentment since making that decision. I feel the relief. It was the right thing to do even though it was very hard and even though he was so great. And since he and I are still friends and still email and text every 5 days or so, I am reminded regularly of how sweet he is and it makes me miss him but I am unwavering in my decision because I still have that peace and contentment of being where I am and it being right.
So if I am right where I am suppose to be, where am I? Well, here are some things that come to mind when I reflect on where I am. I am in a place where I feel confident. Confident to eat alone in restaurants where before I felt awkward and embarrassed. Confident to take vacations alone and walk through cities at night alone without fear. Comfortable being home alone at night in total silence without the need for the TV on for background noise as was the case when I was married. Unafraid to attend public events alone, like festivals and concerts. I've always been an independent person but many of these activities were not things I was comfortable with doing completely alone. However, now I fully enjoy it and even prefer it many times. I love being with people too as I am very social but I am really enjoying my alone time as well. I have plans for some camping road trips that I will do by myself to cheaply explore places that I haven't seen across the country and I am super excited about it.
Another area I have gained confidence is in my appearance. I used to have many hangups about my appearance and it really held me back in a lot of ways. I have learned to embrace my body as it is and be proud of it in spite of it's flaws. This is hard for women as a whole and has always been a struggle for me as well but the freedom I have by releasing those hangups is so satisfying. The hangups like to try to creep back in sometimes but while I may have a weak moment here or there, I really don't fret about anything anymore and am not concerned about how others view me. If only I could've learned this one years ago...
And then there are many internal changes that no one can really see except me. My mindsets are different than they use to be. I look at people different. I have more compassion and understanding for people than I used to. I think twice about the angry person who lashed out at me and wonder why they are so angry and what's going on in their life that caused them to lash out like that. This isn't always my very first thought, mind you, but it used to never be a thought at all and now it is more often than not. I cry more. That may sound like a negative but after years of holding back my emotions and keeping everything inside, I love that I am not afraid to cry now. Feeling emotions is something that I had suppressed many years ago to protect myself from hurt but through my divorce, there was no stopping them and once I felt them again, even though it was an awful pain, it was so nice to feel something again and I promised myself I would never suppress them again so I made a point to not build walls, not hide the pain, and just let it happen. Now I still had to get through my work days and parent my children so there were times I did choke back the tears in order to do what I had to do but I made sure to allow the time later to let it flow and allow the pain to be there. And now I can also release the joy. I can scream out loud for the band competitions to cheer them on or laugh til my chest hurts with my friends. I can also love, which I experienced shortly after my divorce and it was absolutely wonderful to feel. I've been a bit more reserved since then to love again after that relationship failed but I know that I can and that I will when I find the right one to give it to. I probably jumped the gun a bit too soon when I fell in love before since I was in a very vulnerable state of my life at that time. I really wasn't ready then but I'm still glad that I did because it's a feeling I'll never forget and one that I strive to have again with the right person.
There are really so many more things I could list. I feel like I grow every single day and am constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me. I sort of feel like I have been reborn. I am seeing things like it's the first time I've seen them even though it's all been here. I just view it all differently now. Perspective....such a change in perspective. And it's exciting. I can't wait to see what's next. I look forward to what's around the corner even when I have no idea what it might be. It's like a gift...all wrapped in pretty paper. You don't know what's inside. It might be a diamond or it might be an empty box, but you are still excited to open it and see. That's how I feel with life these days. I don't know what's inside the gift but I'm excited to find out. And even when we are disappointed with what's inside...don't we still get excited with the next gift? So that's how it goes. I might unwrap something unpleasant but there's always the next gift to unwrap and so there's always that hopeful excitement of what might be next.
It was not an easy road to get here. It required going through some very painful times and not just one painful time, but several. But everything, I mean everything in my life from a child until now has brought me to this very place and I am thankful for each and every thing that has happened in my life, both good and bad, because without it, I would not be who I am and where I am. It all played a part to get me right here. Right where I'm suppose to be.
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