Thankful for Love

“To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.” 


― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving



With my week long vacation for the Thanksgiving holiday coming to a close, I am thinking about what I am most thankful for this year.  This has not exactly been the best year by most people's standards.  It started with the announcement of divorce on January  1st by my now ex-husband, having to sell our home we had just remodeled as a consequence of the divorce, moving into a rental house, becoming a single mother, being assigned a new location at work where I didn't know anyone, and then being reassigned a second time to a new location at work 8 months later.  To most people, this is not a year to be thankful for.  However, to me, it's been one of the best years of my life.  I didn't always feel that way.  It was rough for the first 6 months of this year. I had highs and lows and it changed almost daily for awhile, but even in the roughest of days, there was always something good that I could find….a silver lining.


So as I reflect, these are some of the things I am thankful for.  There are far more things that I could write here that I am thankful for but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at this moment.  

-  Selling our large 3500 sq. ft. home to move into a small 1500 sq. ft. home.  I LOVE my little rental house.  It sits at the end of a cul de sac right next to a beautiful walking trail with gorgeous large trees and a little creek.  It is quiet.  I have a large backyard (compared to what I was used to) with many mature, large trees, which accommodate a hammock wonderfully at the back end of the yard and I have spent countless hours enjoying that hammock.  What I love most about this house is that it is simple.  It is nothing fancy.  It's not in a fancy neighborhood.  It is in an older neighborhood with mostly older people in it.  I used to feel stress to keep up with others and their fancy houses and the fine furniture and things they had.  I no longer have that stress and it is so freeing.  I am so content now and I don't ever want to go back to the pretentious life I led before.  Simple is what I seek now….thanks to the divorce, which made me realize what is truly important to me.

- Being a single mom is hard sometimes but I have grown so much closer to my kids this year than I have ever been, especially my daughter.  My son and I had been close for a long time already but my daughter and I would fight a lot and just rubbed each other the wrong way most of the time.  Through the hardship of this year, we are closer than ever and I really don't even remember the last time we had a fight.  And the kids are closer to each other as well.  I can't tell you how thankful I am for this change with my kids.   It has truly been the best year with my kids that I've ever had…and they are teenagers!  Not many people get to brag on having great teen years with their kids, but I get to this year.  They are fabulous!

- My job changes were hard at first. It's never easy feeling new and not knowing anyone but in the end, instead of having friends from 2 school campuses, I ended up with friends from 6 campuses.  What a blessing to have so many friends.  I had so much support through my divorce from friends, I couldn't have asked for more.  God knew where I needed to be and I believe he sent just the right people my way to help me along when I needed it.  I'm going through another job struggle right now as well, but I've already begun to see the reasons why, I think.  Sometimes a struggle opens your eyes to what you need to see in order to know where you need to go.

-  And the last thing (for this post) that I am thankful for is perhaps my favorite of all.  I am thankful for the ability to love again.  And not only to love, but to love deeply and fully.  Years ago, there was a bump in my marriage that changed me.  I shut down.  Where I was once an outgoing, bubbly person, full of love for people…I started avoiding people and conversations.  I shut off all my emotions so I wouldn't feel pain and I avoided people for fear that they would ask me how I was and I wouldn't know what to say.  I didn't want to tell anyone about my marriage troubles.  I kept it all bottled inside.  My walls went up and I wouldn't let anyone in.  This went on for years.  I began to want to take the walls down but by then, I didn't know how.  My stone cold existence had become my way of life and I didn't know how to get back to who I used to be or how to feel things again.  I started to socialize again with people and have conversations and make some friends.  That was a start but I still felt cold and callused.  I felt no pain, but I felt nothing else either.  I was empty.  When the divorce was announced, I was in shock at first and it didn't seem real so I lived in denial for a few days.  But when the papers came to my email and I knew it was really happening, the floodgates opened and all the emotions I had bottled up for years came pouring out.  Sadness, anger, love….all of these and more and I recognized it right away….I could "feel" again.  Something I hadn't been able to do in a long time.  And although the predominate feelings at that time were sadness and anger, I was feeling joy that I felt something.  I determined right then that I would not ever shut down again and that no matter how hard the divorce became, I would make a point to feel every emotion that came and not back away from it in an effort to "protect" myself.  I wanted to feel pain just as much as I wanted to feel love for as long as I felt pain, I knew I could still feel something.  And that's just what I did.  I cried my eyes out at times and I also loved like never before at times.  I was angry often but I never acted out in my anger toward anyone.  I wrote letters that were never sent and other methods of releasing my anger that would not hurt another person or cause me to have regrets at a later time.  I have no regrets on how I handled my divorce and I am extremely grateful for being able to "feel" things all the way through and never shut down or put walls up.  I reached out to people for help and support, which was something I never did in the past and I am so glad I did.  In so doing, I am now closer to my parents than ever, have several very close friends and have learned just how valuable people are.  Allowing other people to help me and accepting their love and support opened up a whole new world to me.  I never realized how freeing it was to let others help and let people in to see my vulnerabilities.  Sure, I could've handled it on my own, but it would've taken a lot longer than it did by allowing others in to help.  I opened myself up to be loved by my friends and family.  Like the quote above states…it takes courage to do that.  I am so thankful I did.  And not only that, but I also allowed myself to love again.  First, I loved my kids more deeply than before, my parents, my friends…and then I also loved a new man….still do.  He is not able or does not want to receive my love right now and perhaps never will but I do not regret loving him.  It was worth the risk to choose to love and if I had to do it all over again, I would.  I love being able to love regardless of whether the love is returned whether it be my children, my parents, my friends or a boyfriend.  For that, I am thankful.

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”  

- Erich Fromm

Friedrich Wilderness Area Hike, San Antonio, TX

Scenic View

A couple of weeks ago I went down to San Antonio, TX for my son, Austin's, high school marching band competition that was being held at the Alamadome.  Although that was my main reason for being there, I decided to add a hike to the trip before coming home on Sunday.

It was a beautiful day that day around 78 degrees and I found a really great place to do a little hike.  It was a place called Friedrich Wilderness Area and it was actually right off the highway.  It was described as being a natural area with rugged trails and nice views.  After hiking in the White Mountains, I kind of laughed at anything in Texas being called a hike but this was the best I could do so I was going to make the most of it.  I wore my hiking pants and my Merrell hiking shoes and I packed a backpack and wore that too even though I didn't think I would really need anything in it.  But it was good practice to carry it anyway to keep in shape for the day when I would return to the White Mountains or some other mountain that I might want to climb.

The paved trail.

Upon arriving at the trailhead, the first thing I noticed was the trail was a blacktop paved trail.  What?!  I thought this was a wilderness area with rugged trails?  I was immediately disappointed but thought, "oh well, I'm here. I might as well take a walk."  So I continued on this paved trail with all my hiking gear on, thinking I should have worn flip flops instead.

I pressed on...wiping my brow of the sweat from the ruggedness of this hike.  It was almost too much to bear but I endured.  Thankfully I had my backpack with a couple of water bottles in it to help me and there was even a bench so I could sit and rest and take a drink.  What a life saver! (insert sarcasm)

As I laughed in my head and made mockery of this paved trail, I soon discovered that the paved part did not continue for very long at all and it became a dirt path with a bit of gravel mixed in.  Still, it was a smooth trail and I was only slightly more happy with it but I began to look around and found the trees to be interesting and decided perhaps this would be a nice little walk in the woods.  I still didn't know what they meant by "rugged" when they described these trails online but I was warming up to the place as at least being kind of pretty.  I had to realize that I wasn't going to find the beauty of the White Mountains in Texas so I needed to appreciate the beauty that was there for what it was.

Pretty canopy of trees

Neat looking trees

I walked some more and then lo and behold.....there it was!  Rugged trails!  I was delighted.  And not just a little rugged.  Lots of rocks and roots and steep inclines....just like the White Mountains. I....LOVED....IT!  I leapt and climbed up one rock and then another, grabbed trees to pull myself up in other places.  Now this was more like it!  The only thing missing was a little dog named Atticus to lead the way and his best friend, Tom.  Otherwise, for that moment, it was just like my hike on South Moat Mountain.  Surprisingly, the steep incline lasted long enough for me to start getting short of breath.  I was really exerting myself.  This was a real hike!  It felt great.

Part of the rugged trail - rocks!

Ledge rocks!

At one point I came to a larger boulder that had stopped another couple in their tracks.  They were staring at it trying to decide how to climb up to continue the trail.  I went around them and found the logical place to step up and I heard the man tell his wife..."See...she did it.  Do it just like that." and then they both laughed, as did I, but only in my head.  I was having so much fun.

Larger rocks and loose rocks

Rocks and roots!

There were several scenic overlook areas along the way.  I was surprised how pretty Texas could be especially in this area that was just outside the city.  What a lovely place I had discovered.  The steep incline didn't last too terribly long...the hills in Texas only go so high, but after having my rugged trail to mimic the hike I longed for, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  I completed the trail I set out to do and decided I wasn't done "playing" yet so I took a couple more trails before I was done.

Scenic overlook

Windmill found on one trail

Heart shaped cactus

I wanted to really notice everything around me and take it all in and appreciate it so I slowed down and just started looking around.  I took pictures of cacti, some in the shape of hearts, which made me think of someone I love.  Along the way, I started chasing butterflies.  I tried to take photos of a couple of them but could never get close enough before they would move again.  Then I noticed my own shadow on a stretch of the trail where the sun was shining through from behind me.  There was no one around at that point, so I got silly and put my arms in the air and played with my shadow and took pictures of that too.

Playing with my shadow

Alas, it was time to end the fun and head back to the car and ultimately head home.  I savored the last remaining steps on the dirt trail and smiled when I reached the paved trail portion once again.  Oh how it had fooled me in the beginning.  I had laughed and mocked this trail,  but the trail knew....she knew I would return at the end with that smile on my face and that feeling of fulfillment in my heart.

My old friend

A nice hike indeed.

A little remembrance of Atticus to take with me

The 2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike

Atticus along the trail.   My absolute favorite photo!

Leading up to this hike, I had envisioned several things.  I pictured hiking behind Atticus and being in awe that I was living the book I had read.  I thought I would be taking lots of photos of the beautiful foliage and scenery.  I thought I would talk to a lot of the other hikers and also to my mom.  I thought I would have a magical experience on the mountaintop and I pictured being up there by myself even though I knew I was hiking with a group.  I thought I would think of my divorce journey while hiking and then have a moment at the top where I might cry as I fulfilled my goal of getting there and the idea of starting fresh.  I had imagined several things that I thought it might be like in my daydreams prior to the hike.  But it turned out different than expected in some ways.  Not bad, just different.

For starters, by the time this hike came about, I had gotten over my divorce pretty well.  My divorce was finalized on August 29th and that's really the last time I gave it any thought.  So I had already moved on and had nothing to ponder in regards to that while hiking.  It already seemed like a distant memory.  That was a good thing, but it changed what I had envisioned for the hike.

Beginning of the hike

At the very beginning of the hike, we were all together and Tom and Atticus were at the front.  This part was exactly as I had pictured except for the large number of people.  I sometimes couldn't see Atticus because there were so many people in front of me that it was their butts I was seeing instead of Atticus's.  But I did get to follow Atticus and watch him scale the rocks with ease on many occasions and it was really quite awesome to see in real life.  Atticus was always quiet on the hike.  I never heard a sound from him.  He didn't seemed phased at all by all the people around him.  He just moved along confidentally like the trail was his only stopping to check and see where Tom was and to wait for him to catch up.  The group was moving at a slow pace so Atticus was probably wondering what the hold up was all the time.  He would stop often and just stand and wait until Tom caught back up again.  Tom had dropped to the back of the group to walk with some of the ones who were struggling.  After a little while, the group began to separate and some forged on faster at the front and some slower at the back and then there were some in between.  My mom and I walked together for a little while but then she began talking with Russ a bit and so she was walking a little ahead of me to talk to him.

I took a few pictures along the way but not near as many as I had intended or thought I would.  I enjoyed looking around though and taking it all in.  I do wish I would've taken more photos though to remember it.  I felt a little rushed, like I had to keep up with the group and so I didn't want to stop to take a photo and get behind.  In hindsight, I realize I had plenty of time to stop and I should have.

As far as talking to the other hikers, I did a little but not much.  I don't know why.  It just didn't happen naturally.  I was very quiet on this trip for some reason.  I talked to Chris Chiaretta a little at the beginning of the hike and a little bit to Erica but just surface talk.  I didn't really get to know anyone as much I thought I would.  So the social aspect was a little different than I thought it would be.  I did make some connections though even if we didn't talk alot.  Those who know me through work and other places at home would be surprised to hear I wasn't talking much.  Ha.

Chris Chiaretta and Ric Pratte (my new friends)

My mom struggled a bit in places on the hike as it got steep and full of rocks.  Her backpack was feeling heavy and so I carried it for a little while for her as did several other hikers at different times during the hike.  I was actually quite surprised that I was not struggling myself.  Last time I had done any kind of hike at all, I was so out of breath and struggled to just go a mile.  But I had been training for this hike and it paid off.  I felt very good the whole time and had no trouble breathing at all, even while carrying the extra backpack.  It was a difficult trail with steep inclines and lots of rocks and roots but I was scaling them with ease, much to my surprise and delight.

Just before we reached the summit, we stopped on a lower part and let the back of the group catch up.  Then we pretty much went up to the summit all together.  I was standing at the front at that time so I was one of the first few to be up there.  I climbed up on top of a rocky ledge and looked out at the beautiful vista of mountains.  It was gorgeous.  First I just stood there gazing.  Then I raised my arms in triumph for making it to the top and completing my journey.  That was a great moment but it was very brief.  The rest of the hikers were right behind me and soon there were people everywhere on the summit.  I sat down on the edge of a ledge by myself but within minutes I had the company of 3 other hikers who sat down beside me.  I enjoyed talking with them a bit and sat there for quite a while, but then I got up and looked around.  Everywhere I turned, there were people.  Some from our group and some with other groups.  I saw a few people sitting off by themselves and I wanted to do that too but I didn't see a place anywhere without people and I didn't want to disturb the quiet spots those few hikers had found either.  So, I just meandered around the summit, looking at the views and talking briefly with some of the hikers and my mom.  It wasn't exactly as I had pictured the mountaintop experience to be but it was still great.  The views were spectacular no matter which direction I looked.

Me at the summit

Tom and I at the summit

Atticus at the summit

As I looked around at one point, I saw Tom gazing out and Atticus was resting his head on  Tom's shoulder.  It was the sweetest view I had up there.  I think I was among the first to notice and I took my camera out to take a photo.  Then nearly all the rest of the hikers were taking photos too.  Tom had no idea because we were all behind him with our cameras while he enjoyed his moment with Atticus.  It was special and it's a moment I won't forget.

Tom and Atticus

On the way back down the mountain, the group of us ended up splitting up into smaller groups again like it was on the way up.  I was walking with Donna Jean for a little bit on the way down and it was nice to talk to her.  Then as we progressed down the mountain, I found myself walking with just Tom and Atticus.  My mom and Donna Jean and some others were behind us and there was another group ahead of us.  I'm not sure how long it was but it was a pretty good portion of the trail that it was just the 3 of us.  That was special.  It was quiet and there were no other people around so I could watch Atticus be Atticus without anything blocking my view or distracting me.  As I quietly walked alongside Tom, I thought about how unbelievable it was that I was on that hike with the stars of the book that I loved.  Who would've ever thought that I would be hiking with Tom and Atticus?  Certainly not me.  It was a most special gift that I will never forget.

After making it down the mountain, there were still people in our group yet to come.  My mom was right behind me even though we couldn't see her for a long time.  She ended up emerging from the trail just a few minutes after me.  The last group to come down was Laura, Ed, Jenn, Mike and Roy.  It was after dark by that point and had been something like 9 hours since we had started the hike.  So when they reached the parking lot, those of us that were still there cheered and applauded at their arrival and accomplishment.  It was really neat to be there for that moment.  Laura and Ed had struggled quite a bit to get up and down that mountain and so this was a pretty big deal for them to have made it and I know they were both really happy to have done it and appreciative of the help they received to get it done.

I've saved my favorite moment of the hike for last though it actually happened near the beginning.  There came a time when my mom was happily talking to people in front of me and others were far behind me to the point I couldn't see them so I decided to slow my pace a bit and drop back from the group my mom was with.  I slowed down enough that I was able to have the mountain all to myself for a little while.  I couldn't see anyone in front of me or anyone behind me and it was nice and quiet.  I listened to the stream that flowed along side the trail a bit below.  I took in the colors of the foliage as I walked.  I stopped and just stood there a couple of times also and then tears started welling up in my eyes and eventually they spilled out.  Later I was telling someone about this moment and they asked why I was crying.  What was I thinking about?  I didn't have an answer because I wasn't thinking about anything in particular.  I was just taking it in.  I've tried to think of a way to describe this moment and the best thing I can relate it to is music.  Sometimes when you listen to music, the words that are sung will touch you and make you feel some sort of emotion.  Depending on the lyrics, it could a happy or a sad emotion.  But this moment alone in the woods had no lyrics, there were no thoughts to grab the words from.  No, this moment was like an instrumental.  No words, only music.  And the music of the mountain brought tears just like a symphony can sometimes do when it touches you.  No words needed.  I was happy and I felt like I was "right where I was suppose to be".  This was my favorite moment.  This was when I fell in love with the White Mountains and I intend to go back very soon.

A section of the trail near where I was able to be alone early in the hike.

And just for fun...
Here is the video that my daughter recorded of when I found out that I was chosen for this hike.  I was just a 'little' bit excited.  ;)

The Pre-hike Breakfast

Mom and I at the Riverwood Inn breakfast (Photo by Donna Jean)

Saturday morning.  The alarm went off at 5:30am.  I took my shower and got dressed for the big hike.  I packed my backpack and went downstairs for breakfast and met all the other hikers.  Well, it wasn't quite that simple.  I spent a good 20-30 minutes trying to decide which shirts to wear for the hike.  I had never done this before.  I didn't know what to wear.  I couldn't decide when I was still in Texas packing my suitcase either so I brought everything I bought....EVERYTHING.  My suitcase weighed a ton.  I had about 5 of everything I needed for a hike and I only had one hike to do...maybe 2 if plans worked out, but certainly not 5.  Plus I brought some running clothes because I thought MAYBE I would do some running while on vacation...yeah right.  Then I had to pack a couple nice things in case I ate at a nice restaurant or something.  Then 3-4 pairs of shoes for different purposes, just in case.  So I pulled all my shirts out and went back and forth trying to decide which ones were best to wear.  Long sleeves or short sleeves?  Short sleeves with a long sleeved shirt over that but which short sleeve?  Which long sleeve?  I brought too many.  I can't decide.  Ugh!  Now I'm running out of time to finish getting ready.  I still have to dry my hair, straighten it, put a little bit of makeup on.  On the one hand, I'm hiking so why bother with my hair and makeup but on the other hand, I'm about to meet all the other hikers for the first time and I don't want to look scary.  So a little makeup and quick fix of my hair.

Now the backpack.  Crap!  I have to choose clothes again.  Need an extra shirt packed...hmm, which one?  Here we go again.  Socks.  Need extra socks.  Undergarments.  Check.  Camera, phone, hand wipes, chapstick, handkerchief, hat, gloves, raincoat, fleece jacket, sunglasses, snacks, water.  Crap!  Water.  The water was suppose to go in the backpack first.  I don't even know how to set up the water pack.  I ran downstairs through the Riverwood Inn where I was staying...all the hikers were there and mingling while waiting for the breakfast to begin.  But I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to meet anyone and my backpack is not ready.  But I needed help.  So I find Jack Daley.  He's an experienced hiker.  He'll help me.  I find him off by himself...recognizing him only from his facebook pictures.  I quickly introduce myself and then ask him if he can show me how to use this water pack.  He explains it and I race back upstairs...never stopping to greet anyone else, just scurrying past to finish getting ready.  I knew if I stopped, I would never have time to finish getting packed and ready and I didn't want to be late.  Plus, my mom was in a bigger panic than I was so I was trying to help her get ready and stay calm at the same time as handling my own anxieties.  So I fill up my water pack, completely empty my backpack that I had packed in order to get the water pack inside and then repack everything.  It was a tight fit but I crammed it all in.  I helped mom finish her packing and then we both went downstairs for breakfast and to meet everyone.

Upon getting downstairs, the hostess of the breakfast said Tom was running a little late but would be there shortly.  Everyone stood around chatting with one another and several of the hikers were passing out gifts they brought for everyone.  How nice of them to do that.  I hadn't brought anything except a gift for Tom to add to a basket that all the hikers had put together for him and a gift for one of the hikers who was having a birthday that Tom had orchestrated beforehand. I felt a little guilty that I didn't bring a gift for everyone but on the other hand, where would I have put it?  My suitcase was bursting at the seams as it was!

My mom was still scurrying back and forth from her car to our room with last minute items she needed for the hike.  I knew she was in a panic so I was trying to help her when I could and trying to keep her calm while also trying to meet the other hikers that were gathered in the lobby.  It was stressful.  I felt distracted as I kept an eye on my mom and didn't feel at ease with the other hikers I was meeting.  It was awkward and uncomfortable for me...until I met Donna Jean.  I walked up to her and said "Donna Jean?"  She had a look of surprise on her face like she didn't think I would recognize her and then she said "Denise? Oh my God you are beautiful!"  What a greeting!  I normally don't handle compliments well and get embarrassed by them but the way she said it just made me feel comfortable and special.  It wasn't said to flatter me.  It's just what she thought.  I had been looking forward to meeting Donna Jean and she lived up to what I had envisioned....a genuine person with no pretenses.  I instantly liked her.  She was real.  We talked briefly and then I continued meeting the rest of the hikers around the room feeling much more at ease after meeting Donna Jean.  The group moved outside and shortly after that Tom arrived with the surprise hiker, Jen, that he had just invited on the hike a couple days before along with Atticus and Will, his canine friends.

Tom and Will (inserted here just because I love this photo)
(Photo by Laura)

Will was passed around from person to person, each having a chance to hold him.  I didn't hold him at all at the breakfast since I had time with him during the drive from Boston the day before.  I wanted everyone else to have as much time with him as possible since it would be their only chance with him.  I enjoyed watching the others hold him with big smiles on their faces.  I think out of everyone, Laura seemed the happiest to hold him.  She was the one who first posted his picture on the Following Atticus facebook page asking if anyone might be interested in adopting him.  She had then seen him at one of Tom's book signings a long time ago when he was still a bit frail and more weak than he is now.  I think it made her especially happy to see how well he looked now and how happy he was with his new family.

Laura Bachofner with Will (Photo by Jodi)

Atticus just meandered through the crowd checking things out in his quiet way while always keeping an eye on where Tom was.  Once seated for breakfast, Atticus laid at Tom's feet.  When Tom would get up to go talk to someone, Atticus would follow and stay by Tom's side.

Atticus hanging out during breakfast

During breakfast, Michael Boutin presented Tom with a walking stick that he had made and his older daughter, Saree, had helped also by carving a likeness of Atticus into the stick.  All the hikers names were listed on the stick as well.  It was truly beautiful.  The stick itself and the gesture of that special gift.  Michael explained how his father had started making these walking sticks and it was so touching to hear Michael's story that I think everyone in the room had tears in their eyes.

Michael Boutin and Libby with the walking stick
 they made for Tom (Photo by Michael)

Tom passed out gift bags to each hiker that included chocolates from the Bavarain Chocolate Haus, a White Mountains calendar, a baseball cap, a keychain and our gratitude hike t-shirts.  I think the opportunity to hike with Tom and Atticus was the only gift any of us expected and was the greatest gift we could've received but Tom being Tom went above that and for me personally, he went way beyond my expectations.

The Bavarian Chocolate Haus

After eating, we all went outside and grouped up for car pooling to the trail head.  And as luck would have it, I got to ride with Tom again, along with my mom.  Atticus and Will both rode on my lap this time and it was a rare moment for Atticus to be that close to Will.  Atticus handled it well although I'm not sure that he really liked it.  We made a stop at the Local Grocer to pick up our lunches for the hike and then dropped Will off at the vet's office to be watched by Rachael Kleidon while we hiked.

Heading to the trail head (Photo by Donna Jean)

Then we arrived at the trail head.

Everyone at the trailhead of South Moat Mountain

Are we there yet?

A view of Mt. Washington

It was Friday, October 4, 2013.  The day that I had been waiting 2 months to arrive.  The day I was going to New Hampshire.  The day I was going to meet my favorite author, Tom Ryan.  The day I was going to meet the famous little hiking dog, Atticus M. Finch.  The day I was going to get to hold Will, the dog whose story inspired me so much with his ability to love again, trust again and live again after a life that left him angry, hurt and confused...just like me.

I barely slept the night before.  I was too excited to sleep and I had to be up by 4am to shower and get ready for my flight at 6:30.  I ended up with about 3 hours of sleep.  My son dropped me off at the airport and from there my adventure began.  Just after getting through airport security while I finished getting my shoes back on, an American Airlines employee approached me and asked if I was Denise.  With a surprised look, I'm sure, I said that I was.  She proceeded to tell me that although I didn't know her, she knew me from the Following Atticus Facebook page and since she was an employee of the airline I was flying, she knew I was flying out that morning for the hike.  She was a very nice woman by the name of Terri and it was a lot of fun running into another fan like that.  She asked me to hug Will for her (which I did, by the way) and wished me well on my trip.  That start to my trip put a smile on my face.   What fun it was to meet her and have her share in my joy of meeting Tom, Atticus and Will.  I boarded the plane and listened to my audiobook version of Following Atticus most of the way.  I wanted to have the book fresh in my mind when I arrived so that when I saw the area in person, I could relate it back to the book and make it really come to life.

The plane landed and after getting my checked luggage, I went outside to wait for Tom, Atticus and Will to pick me up.  I wasn't nervous.  I was super excited.  But as I watched for their car, I saw one that I thought was them and I suddenly started shaking.  I had been texting some of my friends while I was waiting and I could barely type when this car pulled up.  But....it wasn't them.  It wasn't even the right kind of car, but it was similar.  However, that seemed to get rid of the jitters because when they really did pull up, I wasn't shaking at all.  I greeted Tom with a hug and then we were on our way.  I felt very comfortable with Tom, like old friends.

Will was sleeping peacefully on the floor of the backseat with his soft bedding and blankets so I didn't want to disturb him and just let him be.  I shared the front seat with Atticus instead.  Sometimes he sat beside me on the seat and sometimes he sat on my lap.  He didn't pay too much attention to me either way though for awhile.  He just looked out the window or laid down with his head facing away from me but I enjoyed just being with him.

Will asleep in the car

We made some stops along the way, in part to let Atticus and Will relieve themselves and then partly to enjoy some great views.  The stops were great because it was my first chance to see the relationship between Tom and Atticus.  It was really neat to see Atticus being playful with Tom because you don't see that side much on the Following Atticus page.   My absolute favorite game to watch them play is when Tom will tell Atticus to "stay right there" and then he will walk away and Atticus will run playfully up to Tom as if he had told him to "come" instead.  I wished I had video taped it.  It was the cutest thing to watch. Those interactions melted my heart.

Tom and Atticus playing

The stops were also my chance to hold Will and watch his little bunny hop of a walk.  What a character he is.  He actually got along better than I expected but was harder to hold than I thought he would be.  His legs are kind of stiff and his head tends to lean away from you so it can be a little hard to find a comfortable position to hold him in...both for him and for me.  I kept worrying that he wasn't comfortable enough or that I would hurt his aching joints by holding him wrong, but he never complained.  He seemed content no matter what.  It was hard to imagine that he was once angry and fearful and biting Tom all the time.

Will doing his bunny hop

By the end of the drive, Atticus and I had a friendship started.  At times, he would lay his head on my chest or in the crook of my elbow and I felt so honored that Atticus was comfortable enough to relax with me that way.  But what I really loved was the few times that he actually ran up to me to play.  That is a memory I will cherish forever.  Will had captured my heart on Facebook but it was Atticus who captured my heart in person.

Atticus and Me

Tom took me to Newburyport, MA on the way back to Jackson.  This was where he used to work as a newspaper reporter for the paper he owned called the Undertoad.  It was really neat to see this town after reading about it in his book.  It is a really nice looking town with many shops and right on the water.  We stopped at the Jabberwocky bookstore where Tom had some books to autograph.  I met Paul, the manager, who is one of Tom's good friends.  Atticus was very happy to see Paul and ran up to him to greet him.  You could tell Atticus had been there many times before as he strolled through the store like he owned the place.  Jabberwocky is a neat looking store.  It's pretty big but still feels like a small, quaint store because of it's layout.  If I remember right, the store has been in business for 41 years.  Pretty amazing in today's world for an independent store.

One of the other stops we made was at Chocorua Lake.  What a beautiful place that is with the lake against the background of Mount Chocorua.   It was raining just a little bit when we stopped there but it was even beautiful in the rain.  In looking back on this whole trip, I feel like there was so much to take in that I didn't have time to really absorb it all while I was there.  I feel like I need a lot more time there so I can enjoy each piece of it fully.  This trip was the whirlwind tour.  Now I want to go back and just sit in one place for an hour or more and then move on to another place.  I tried not to squeeze a bunch of activities into my trip so that I would have that time to just be still but it didn't work out that way.  I needed more time but there just wasn't any.  Next time.....and oh yes, there will be a next time.

Chocorua Lake

We had a few other scenic stops along the way too and then we ended up at the beaver pond.  This was a place Tom and Atticus frequent and we stopped to see if there might be any wildlife to see.  We were in luck.  There were 3 beavers swimming around the pond and then one of them decided to come out of the water and say hello.  I was there with the camera ready so was able to capture that little guy in a nice photo.  I've never seen a beaver in the wild so it was really neat to see them swimming around and especially cool to see one out of the water.  It was the only wildlife I saw all weekend so I was glad we made that stop.  I had hoped to see a bear or moose but it didn't happen.

Our beaver friend

Once in Jackson, we drove through the Jackson covered bridge.  So neat to see in person after seeing so many pictures of it beforehand.  Jackson is a really cute, quaint town.  A storybook setting...which was perfect for my fairytale I was living.  It really feels like a step back in time to a simpler life.  So pure there.  And my goodness....the foliage!  I didn't take near as many pictures as I had intended.  I was too busy just looking at everything.  It's hard for me to experience things while also taking pictures.    That's why I need more time.  Time to take pictures and then time to experience it.  One weekend was not enough time for both.

Jackson Bridge

Jackson Grammar School

I met up with my mom at the Riverwood Inn in Jackson around 6pm, had dinner and then called it a night.  Needed to get some good sleep since I didn't sleep much the night before and we had a hike to do in the morning....a very special hike with Tom and Atticus.  Day 1 in New Hampshire was a pretty awesome day and the main event hadn't even happened yet.