Right Where I'm Suppose To Be

This post is probably more for myself than anyone reading it but I wanted to write out my thoughts and document where I am at this moment in my life and so I decided to do it via this blog.  So be prepared for a lengthy, boring post if you choose to read this.

There is this author you may have heard me mention before...you know, Tom Ryan, who wrote Following Atticus...yeah, I might have mentioned the book a time or two.  Haha.  Anyway, on Tom's Facebook page for his book, he would often use the phrase that "we are right where we are suppose to be".  He believed everything happened for a reason and it was all part of life's plan.  Well, I agree with that philosophy and have adopted it over the last year and a half or so.  Throughout many of my troubled times, I have reminded myself that I am right where I'm suppose to be and that knowledge would help me get through some of those difficult days.  But although I would tell myself that, there were many times where I didn't feel I was in the right place and I would question as to how to know if I'm doing the right thing or going the right way in life.  Now the point Tom was making was not that you are always doing the right thing, but that even when you do the wrong thing or bad things are happening in your life, there are lessons to be learned from it and therefore it has value and is right where you need to be for that moment to learn that lesson....or at least that's how I took it and have adapted it in my own life.  But, recently, I have experienced the other side of this phrase.  Instead of it being a way to deal with the harder times, I have been saying this phrase in my mind in relation to where I am right now, which is not hard times but great times.  It is a time in my life where I feel I truly am right where I am suppose to be and feel more peace and contentment than I have ever felt in my life.  Even in times past where I was really very happy....I didn't necessarily feel at peace that I was where I should be.  I had questions in my mind and wasn't sure and wasn't at ease, but emotionally, I was very happy.  But this is different.  This is true contentment and a peace I have not experienced before.  This is a time where I really know that I am right where I am suppose to be, but not necessarily to learn a lesson (although I'm always learning lessons) but I'm here because of the lessons I've learned already and because this is right where God wants me to be.  How do I know that?  I just know.  It's not something I can really describe other than to say that the peace that comes with being in the right place in your life is the confirmation of it.  

One of the things that has put me right where I am suppose to be was breaking off my relationship with Dave.  In my Bible study group this past Monday, our lesson was about hindrances in our life and how sometimes the thing that is hindering us from being where we should be is not necessarily a bad thing but it is nevertheless in the way.  There was a line in our workbook that really stood out to me.  It said, "Let's also be sensitive to a churning in our souls or a growing unrest or discomfort toward that particular thing.  We'll know.  And when we do, let's ask God for the strength to pitch it.  One way we will know it was His will is that, even while we miss it, we'll feel relieved."  This is exactly what happened with Dave.  I had the churning and unrest.  I knew I had to break it off but it was hard.  And I did pray for strength.  I cried and prayed for an hour before I called him up and I struggled to speak when he answered the phone.  I was choking back more tears.  I didn't want to do it.  He was a great, great man who loved me and treated me absolutely perfect.  But even still, I knew it wasn't right.  I didn't feel the same about him that he felt about me although he made me very happy in the time that I was with him.  I knew I had to break it off.  And I also knew it was time to be alone, not time to find someone new.  I cried over him for a few days and I still think of him often but I also feel complete peace and contentment since making that decision.  I feel the relief.  It was the right thing to do even though it was very hard and even though he was so great.  And since he and I are still friends and still email and text every 5 days or so, I am reminded regularly of how sweet he is and it makes me miss him but I am unwavering in my decision because I still have that peace and contentment of being where I am and it being right.  

So if I am right where I am suppose to be, where am I?  Well, here are some things that come to mind when I reflect on where I am.  I am in a place where I feel confident.  Confident to eat alone in restaurants where before I felt awkward and embarrassed.  Confident to take vacations alone and walk through cities at night alone without fear.  Comfortable being home alone at night in total silence without the need for the TV on for background noise as was the case when I was married.  Unafraid to attend public events alone, like festivals and concerts.  I've always been an independent person but many of these activities were not things I was comfortable with doing completely alone.  However, now I fully enjoy it and even prefer it many times.  I love being with people too as I am very social but I am really enjoying my alone time as well.  I have plans for some camping road trips that I will do by myself to cheaply explore places that I haven't seen across the country and I am super excited about it.

Another area I have gained confidence is in my appearance.  I used to have many hangups about my appearance and it really held me back in a lot of ways.  I have learned to embrace my body as it is and be proud of it in spite of it's flaws.  This is hard for women as a whole and has always been a struggle for me as well but the freedom I have by releasing those hangups is so satisfying.  The hangups like to try to creep back in sometimes but while I may have a weak moment here or there, I really don't fret about anything anymore and am not concerned about how others view me.  If only I could've learned this one years ago...

And then there are many internal changes that no one can really see except me.  My mindsets are different than they use to be.  I look at people different.  I have more compassion and understanding for people than I used to.  I think twice about the angry person who lashed out at me and wonder why they are so angry and what's going on in their life that caused them to lash out like that.  This isn't always my very first thought, mind you, but it used to never be a thought at all and now it is more often than not.  I cry more.  That may sound like a negative but after years of holding back my emotions and keeping everything inside, I love that I am not afraid to cry now.  Feeling emotions is something that I had suppressed many years ago to protect myself from hurt but through my divorce, there was no stopping them and once I felt them again, even though it was an awful pain, it was so nice to feel something again and I promised myself I would never suppress them again so I made a point to not build walls, not hide the pain, and just let it happen.  Now I still had to get through my work days and parent my children so there were times I did choke back the tears in order to do what I had to do but I made sure to allow the time later to let it flow and allow the pain to be there.  And now I can also release the joy.  I can scream out loud for the band competitions to cheer them on or laugh til my chest hurts with my friends.  I can also love, which I experienced shortly after my divorce and it was absolutely wonderful to feel.  I've been a bit more reserved since then to love again after that relationship failed but I know that I can and that I will when I find the right one to give it to.  I probably jumped the gun a bit too soon when I fell in love before since I was in a very vulnerable state of my life at that time.  I really wasn't ready then but I'm still glad that I did because it's a feeling I'll never forget and one that I strive to have again with the right person.  

There are really so many more things I could list.  I feel like I grow every single day and am constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me.  I sort of feel like I have been reborn.  I am seeing things like it's the first time I've seen them even though it's all been here.  I just view it all differently now.  Perspective....such a change in perspective.  And it's exciting.  I can't wait to see what's next.  I look forward to what's around the corner even when I have no idea what it might be.  It's like a gift...all wrapped in pretty paper.  You don't know what's inside.  It might be a diamond or it might be an empty box, but you are still excited to open it and see.  That's how I feel with life these days.  I don't know what's inside the gift but I'm excited to find out.  And even when we are disappointed with what's inside...don't we still get excited with the next gift?  So that's how it goes.  I might unwrap something unpleasant but there's always the next gift to unwrap and so there's always that hopeful excitement of what might be next.

It was not an easy road to get here.  It required going through some very painful times and not just one painful time, but several.  But everything, I mean everything in my life from a child until now has brought me to this very place and I am thankful for each and every thing that has happened in my life, both good and bad, because without it, I would not be who I am and where I am.  It all played a part to get me right here.  Right where I'm suppose to be.

FEE FI FO FUM!

The air was hot and muggy.  There was a bit of a breeze but it was a hot breeze, not a cool one.  I began walking on the trail through the woods.  I took notice of just how much poison ivy covers the ground on each side of the paved path where I walk.  Where does poison ivy come from anyway?  How did so much of it get in this patch of woods?  I made a mental note to never veer off the path.  Thoughts of the nasty poison ivy rash I had about a month ago flooded my mind and made me start to itch.  I still have a scar on my leg where it had gotten me the worst.  I hope that goes away eventually.

I came to the clearing where the trees line one side of the path and a grassy field is on the other side.  This is the area where the kids practice soccer sometimes.  No one was there today.  My half marathon app was nearly done with the 5 minute warm up phase when I reached this portion of the trail.  It's almost time to start running.  I was looking forward to this run.  I was pumped up from my last run two days ago when I ran 7.5 miles...the farthest I've ever run.  And that run felt somewhat easy.  So today's run should be a piece of cake.  It would only be around 4 miles.

Ding!  The app sound chimed and the lady spoke and said "start running".  Here we go!  I began to run.  First step...FEE.  Second step...FI.  Third step...FO.  Fourth step...FUM!  What?  Each of my legs must've weighed 500 pounds.  Every step was labored.  It felt clumsy and heavy.  My feet pounded the ground like a sledge hammer.  My whole body seemed to feel the blow.  I kept going, hoping after a minute or two, my body would get back in sync and it would be the nice, light, airy run like I had on Saturday.  Wrong.  It would not be that today.  Today it was the giant's run.

FEE FI FO FUM.  This is the fairy tale run I had today.  It never got better.  Every step crashed down hard like the step before it.  My calves quaked from the start of the run to the end.  It was 48 minutes of pure agony.  On top of that, it was hot.  88 degrees.  Sun blasting my face most of the way.  No cool breezes to make it better.  No clouds to hide the sun.  Just hot, miserable air and a body that felt 10 times heavier than usual for some reason.

But, I ran today.  I finished.  I never quit.  And....I saw two bunnies.  :)

Craziest part?  I'm looking forward to my next run.

10 Bunnies...that's why.

I ran today.  My 13.1 app told me to run today so I did.  It told me when to run and when to walk and I very obediently listened.  I like to follow pre-made programs.  I don't like to make up my own.  It's just what works for me.  I need that regimen to follow and that goal of completing a program in order to keep doing it day after day.  Most days, I just run because I have to...program said so.  Today was no different but as I ran, I started doing some thinking about the running itself.  Most days I am thinking of other things going on in my life and I'm not thinking about the running, except when I'm really short of breath and hot and wanting water....then I'm thinking of running.  Specifically, how much I hate running at that moment and how I shouldn't have started this program and what was I thinking when I decided to train for a half marathon.  But it was different thoughts today.  Let me explain.

Today, as I ran, I was thinking how easy the run felt.  Easy??  Really??  How did I ever get to a place where I would use the word "run" and "easy" in the same sentence?  Today, the program was 52 minutes long.  52 minutes!!  And it was easy?  Yes.  It actually was.  And so I began to ponder how I got here.  How did this all start?  Why do I run?

It started a couple of years ago.  There were some key people in my life who inspired me to start running.  First was my mom.  She had started running at her work place with some run clubs she joined there and was encouraging others to get active and start running too.  I wasn't interested at first but then others came along to add to the fire of getting me going.  I had a couple of coworkers, Pam and Sabrina, that I would see jogging through my neighborhood all the time as I passed with my car...sitting on my butt.  I would wave and smile as I passed and then feel guilty that they were out exercising and I was doing nothing day after day....and I saw them ALL the time, constantly reminding me of what I wasn't doing.  Then there was Kendra, another coworker, who was an avid runner.  She was always running races and posting on Facebook about them.  She had moved away from Texas but I still followed her blog and Facebook page and would read about race after race that she competed in.  And then even her little girl started running races at around 3 years old, I think.  She really seemed to love it and I wished I could do something like that but I hated to run.  I was awful at it.  I had no stamina at all for it.  So then, last but not least, there was yet another co worker, Tiffany, who started running.  She was not a regular runner and it was not easy for her but she started using a program called Couch to 5k and I heard her telling people about it.  She got several other co workers to use the program too.  That was the first time I had ever heard of it.  So, after seeing her do it, I decided I would give it a try.  After all, it's designed for people like me who have never run so it should be doable, right?

Well, I told my mom about the app for the program to do it on my iPhone and we decided to do the app together to help keep each other accountable.  It wasn't going to be too hard for her since she had already been running at work so she was doing it more for my benefit to keep me going.

I will never forget the first day of the C25K program when I started it a couple years ago.  It was around this same time of year and it was HOT outside.  I don't like gyms so I preferred to run outside.  The first day of the program only required 60 seconds of running and then 90 seconds of walking...alternating that for a total of 20 minutes.  Easy, right?  NOT!  I literally thought I might die.  The first 10 minutes of alternating running and walking was brutal but the last 10 minutes was just pure death.  My face felt like it was on fire and it looked that way too.  Soooo red!  I couldn't breathe. I wondered why the air had no more oxygen because I wasn't getting any at all.  I remember thinking I should've put aspirin in my pocket in case I started to have a heart attack.  I was serious.  I thought I should've told my family where I planned to run in case I didn't return so they'd know where to find my body.  It was AWFUL.  But I am a stickler when I set my mind to do something.  I will not quit.  So although I probably should've scaled back the running even lighter than the app said, I refused.  I completed day one...painfully and without breath, but I did it.  And then I completed day two and day three and week 2, week 3, etc. until I reached the end of the 8 weeks and ran my first 5k race.  I never thought I would make it, but I did and I was proud.

So fast forward to now....a couple years later.  I ran a few more 5k races but didn't keep up with the running quite as regular as I had hoped.  I found it hard to stay motivated without a program to follow.  I tried doing the same program again but it wasn't challenging anymore so it lost it's oomph.  So recently I decided to step it up and start training for a half marathon.  This was a daunting goal.  The app required 6 days of training instead of 3 like the C25K app was.  That was a lot more commitment.  I wasn't sure I could do it.  I have a really busy schedule with two teenage kids.  Where would I find the time?  And each day is nearly an hour long at a minimum instead of just 30 minutes like before.  I almost talked myself out of it.  It was too much.  But I didn't.  I went for it.  I'm in the middle of week 7 now.  It's a 14 week program so I am half way!  I still can't imagine actually running a half marathon but I'm getting there.

So back to my thoughts I had today.  Today's run was easy.  I didn't feel winded.  I had good breath.  I was in such deep thought that when the program told me to walk, I walked but I didn't remember hearing it tell me to.  And then I ran when it was time but again didn't notice when it told me to.  It was just automatic.  I heard the cue and obeyed, but was on auto pilot and not really thinking about it.  My mind was elsewhere.  Where was it?  It was pondering why I enjoy running now and why I like to do it outside as opposed to a treadmill in the gym.

I enjoy running because of the sense of accomplishment it gives me when I am done with a run.  I like setting a goal and reaching it.  I like to feel the pain in my legs because I know I did something out of my comfort zone.  I stretched myself further.  I worked muscles that aren't used to being worked.  It feels good.  Running is the only exercise I've ever done that has made me notice a difference in my fitness level very quickly.  The stamina changes are drastic changes for me and I can see muscle toning happening too.  Running seems to be a full body workout for me unlike any other.

The reason I like to run outside?  Well, right off the bat, I can give you 10 reasons.  Bunnies.  Yes, bunnies.  10 bunnies.  That's how many I saw today during my run.  I can't see 10 bunnies from a treadmill now, can I?  I've been running at dusk lately and so the bunnies are everywhere.  I counted them today and I saw 10.  Who doesn't love a bunny?  So, that's my first 10 reasons for running outside....to see 10 bunnies.  What else?  Well, I like the change of scenery as I run.  I like destinations instead of running in place.  It's more motivating to me to be able to know that when I get to the path by the woods...I'm almost done.  Or the fire station is about half way.  Those landmarks keep me going.  On a treadmill, all I have is a clock.  Boring.  I also like that the terrain changes when running outside.  I learn to run on hills and pavement and gravel and dirt.  It's varied and I like that.  Keeps it interesting.  I like passing other runners and cyclists.  It's like a private club.  There is an instant connection to that person I'm passing because we know each other's pain and it feels good to be in that club and not in the car passing by watching them run.  I guess you could say the gym has the club thing but for some reason I don't feel the camaraderie there like I do with the strangers I pass on the street.

It seems that wherever I run, if it's a regular place I run, I find a portion of the route that becomes my favorite part of the run.  In my old neighborhood, it used to be a patch of trees that had a dirt path that ran through it and I always felt like I was getting to home base when I would reach that part of my run.  For some reason, I could breathe again and it was the place I could get refreshed to complete my run.  It was likely because it was a shady spot and it was nice break from the pavement for my joints. In my current neighborhood, my favorite spot is a stretch of paved path that borders the woods but is open on the other side to a large field where many soccer teams with young kids come to practice.  This part of the path is actually quite sunny since it's open on the one side but there is a cool breeze that comes from the tree side of the path and it feels heavenly after a long run.  This area is where I start running and then I come back this way at the end.  It is on the way back that I really like this part of the path.  It feels like an air conditioner is blowing on me the whole time I run this stretch.  It's a very noticeable temperature change in that spot and it comes at just the right time when I am needing that extra boost to finish.  Right after that section, I enter those woods and the path winds through the trees and it is very pretty through there.  There are pretty bridges to cross on the trail and I often see owls in the trees.  These are the reasons I like to run outside.  Breezes, scenery, wildlife, solitude, varied terrain...these all stimulate and challenge me in a way that the treadmill just can't do.  I'll even run in the rain as long as there is no lightning.  I love to be outside.

So...that's what I was thinking while I ran today.

Spring Break 2014 - Boston, MA

Boston, MA

This is part one of the super fabulous spring break trip that the kids and I took to Boston, MA; Jackson, NH and New York, NY over spring break.  Back in December I decided that although my finances were tight, I wanted to take a great vacation with my kids one last time before my son goes off to college in the fall.  I had a lump sum of money from my divorce that will be gone quickly but decided this time spent with my kids was worth more to me than having money in savings.  So, since my son was the one who would be leaving the nest soon, I let him decide what kind of vacation he wanted...snow or sun.  He decided he wanted snow...skiing.  We had never taken a snow vacation before and none of us had ever skied a single time.  So this was going to be an adventure for us all

I chose the exact location of this ski vacation and there were several things that went into my decision.  I chose NH because I had just gone there in October and loved it and knew my way around there a bit.  I knew it would be a safe place to go for a single mom and her kids and it was a bit cheaper than most of the other popular ski destinations.  I also chose it because I have friends and relatives in that area and if time allowed, it would be nice to see them.  And the final reason I chose it was because of the proximity of the city.  I figured if we totally hated skiing or just got tired of it, we would still have plenty of entertainment in the city.  Originally it was only going to be Boston and New Hampshire but a week before the trip, we decided we would try to squeeze in NYC too.

So on Saturday, March 8th, we began our trip by waking up at 4am to catch a 6:40am flight.  Austin got us fully awake by blasting the "chicken yodeling" song through the house around 4:30am.  If that doesn't wake you up, nothing will.  Here's a link to it in case you haven't yet been exposed to it's greatness.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO7MWuJ7zLA  

We arrived at Boston Logan Airport at 11:00am and proceeded to the rental car area to pick up our super hot sports car rental.  What?  You don't think minivans are sporty or hot?  Psh...what do you know.  Space and lots of cupholders are super hot in my book.

Our totally hip rental car for the week.  You know you're jealous.

After getting our car, we parked on the north side of Boston and then started exploring the city.  We were pretty hungry upon arrival so we started off with lunch at Hard Rock Cafe.  After a yummy lunch there, we walked around the Feneuil Hall area, browsing the shops and just looking around.  We walked over to the harbor and enjoyed the view there for a bit.  A line of sailboats went by all at once so I guess there must've been some event going on for them but I don't know what it was.  As we walked back to the market area, we noticed a sign for the Body Worlds exhibit.  Lexi was interested in seeing that and Austin had never seen it before either so we decided to view that.  So in case you are not familiar, that is the exhibit where they have real deceased people on display with their skin removed so you can see all their muscles and things and get a better understanding of how the body is designed.  It is done in a tasteful, artistic way but it is still disturbing to see for some people.  I had already seen it in Dallas before so I knew what to expect.  The kids were neither grossed out nor enthralled with it but the curiosity was satisfied.

Boston Harbor

Feneuil Hall

The highlight for me on this first day of our vacation was the concert we went to that night at TD Garden.  It was an Avett Brothers concert and it was so much fun.  I was smiling the whole time.  The opening band was very good too.  It was a band called Old Crow Medicine Show.  They are a bluegrass music band.  They were very entertaining with their banjos and fiddles. The kids even got a kick out of listening to them.   My favorite song by the Avett Brothers is Live and Die.  That song holds special meaning to me so when I heard it played at the end during the encore, it was beyond awesome.   It's a song that had once brought me great joy but recently it had brought me some sadness due to a disconnect with the dear friend who had introduced me to the song.  I learned once that in order to move past painful memories, you have to create new memories to replace the old.  That is exactly what I did by attending this concert.  Now when I hear that song, I have an entirely new memory to associate with it.....the memory of the concert and seeing it performed live and being there with my children and the smile that was plastered on my face.  The old memory is still there.  It's not gone forever and I smile at the old memory too, for that memory was from a time when I was happier than I've ever been in my life.  It was very special for me to see and hear that song in concert.  Wonderful, wonderful memories both old and new.  Here is a link to a video of the very performance that I saw of this song.  Not the best sound quality but captures the memory of the concert well. This is not my own recording.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyKoQQJJspQ

The Avett Brothers Concert @ TD Garden, Boston, MA

Prior to the concert, we met up with my friend, Rick very briefly.  He came to our hotel and brought us some Regina's pizza to share.  Alexia didn't join us for this as she was too tired and was napping.  We just visited in the lobby and made plans to visit more the next day.  I had not seen Rick in about 12-13 years.  Austin only vaguely remembered meeting him before since he was just 5 years old or so.  Rick was my dad's best friend when I was very young and when he and his wife got divorced, he came to Indiana and lived with us for about a year.  He became like a second dad to me during that time and we have always been very close.

Alexia at Fish Pier, Boston, MA (freezing cold wind that day)

Rick and I at Fish Pier, Boston, MA

So the next day, we met up with Rick again and had lunch at the No Name seafood restaurant on Fish Pier.  Loved the restaurant and it was so great to spend some more time with Rick.  After eating, we went on a little nostalgia tour to my grandmother's old house and to the marina that my grandfather used to like to go to and where I remember going every time we visited my grandparents.  

The old house was pretty run down...sad to see since it had always been kept so nice when they lived there.  Still neat to see it and relive the memories in my mind of being there as a kid.

My Grandparent's old house in Quincy, MA.

Side view of Grandma's house.

Backyard of Grandma's house.

 The marina has changed a lot.  So many new buildings all built around the place....much fancier than it used to be but the little boardwalk area looked pretty much the same as I remembered it.  Funny thing was, there was a parking spot with my name on it.  I guess they were expecting me.  Ha.

Marian Bay clock tower - Austin and Alexia

   

Marina Bay

My very own parking spot at Marina Bay.  Haha.

And the last thing we did in Boston before moving on to the next leg of our trip (New Hampshire) was drive around Harvard to check out the campus.  Austin wanted to see it since it was nearby and we were going to walk around there but it was very cold that day and we had already done a lot of walking the day before so everyone decided driving through was good enough.  But....Austin livened things up a bit by rolling down the windows and playing the chicken yodeling song a little bit loudly so a little bit of redneck influence could enter the prestigious grounds of Harvard.  We had a great time laughing about it and laughing at Austin...who would turn it down and roll the windows up every time we came to a stop because he wasn't quite bold enough to continue when we were stopped.  Fun times!

One of the buildings at Harvard University.

We would be back to Boston at the end of our week to catch our flight again but for now, our stay in Boston was over and we headed to New Hampshire for the next few days.  That story will be covered in the next blog post, hopefully soon.